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Monday, February 09, 2004
Econs test tomorrow... Don't wanna study. What am I still doing blogging away when I could be doing better things? Sighs. This is bad. Am getting addicted to the liberating feeling of blogging. I feel compelled to blog almost every day now, ever since I started again. Shouldn't one be blogging only when one has an overwhelming urge to say something that one cannot say any where else? Then why am I typing mindlessly away about the day's events and such? Maybe it's because deep within me, I know that memories won't last forever. Now that I'm young, I get this feeling of being invincible - like I'll live forever. But sometimes, late at night, I think about growing old... And I'm scared. It's funny how I'm only afraid when I'm immersed in the stillness of the darkness enveloping me totally. In the day, when the sun shines and birds sing their merry songs, when I take in all the sights around me with youthful curiosity, when I look up and see the sky looking absolutely beautiful with wispy clouds drifting about in the slight breeze, I'm not afraid. I only think of what's gonna happen next, what lies in wait for me as the next hour, the next day rolls round. But at night, I scare myself by thinking of growing old, and losing my memory bit by bit as the haunting spectre known as death grows closer and closer. I'm afraid that sometime in the future, I may wake up in my bed with completely no recollection of who I am, where I come from, who I used to be, who I love... So maybe that explains my strange eagerness to write down the day's events faithfully now, now when I still have my memories, both good and bad. I can't imagine the emptiness of not knowing anything about yourself. It'll be too painful. But I suppose that when I ever reach that stage, I'll be too far gone to even care. That's what's eating into me. That I won't even care that I don't know who I am anymore.
Anyways. Read Khin's blog... And realised that she's not gonna be in Singapore for long anymore. Never realised that her having to leave Singapore would be so soon. The realisation that I may not see her ever again next year just hit me full on in the face - like wham. That sucks... But I'm glad for her. We've both been thinking and talking about leaving Singapore for overseas - the United States, in Khin's case, and Britain or Canada for me - as soon as possible 'cause we both agree that the education here is nothing but propaganda, brain washing, and having to do what the government thinks will help it achieve further economic growth in the future. I could go on and on about that, but I won't. 'Cause that isn't my point. We both applied for the UWC scholarship together... And both made it to the first round of interviews. But I screwed mine up, while she didn't, so now she's still in the running for the scholarship, while I'm stuck here in Singapore slowly mouldering away. Now her aunt's probably gonna bring her over to the US, while I'm still stranded with no way of getting out.
I know I shouldn't be saying all this about the education system here in Singapore - after all, it's taught me whatever I know right now, and it isn't totally useless. I know basic Chemistry; like esters are formed by the reaction of a carboxylic acid and an alcohol (I don't think I got that right, but it's fairly close enough); I know some Biology; the transpiration pull in plants is an essential suction force that brings water up the plant, and then more, but I shan't elaborate. I even know that the white on the Singapore flag stands for purity, and that in order to run for Presidency, you've gotta have a clean criminal record (ie, no criminal record), and that you've gotta be relatively rich (only rich enough to send me to a university in the UK). But all that aside, I just feel that I want to experience school life in another country before I'm too old to study. I want to see the world, corny as it sounds, and I want to embrace whatever experiences the world has in store for me. I can't do that if I'm stuck in Singapore, can I? It's more than the things I learn in school... It's about the country, the experiences, the people, the way things are taught... I gotta see how it's like in another country before settling down to work.
Carol's probably going to Canada to do her medical degree, and I can probably follow her there to do my post-graduate degree. And since she's Canadian, I'd probably be allowed to stay on with her, on the grounds that she's my sister and we're family. But what about before then? The only way to swing this my way is to get a scholarship overseas. A government scholarship, which means I'll be bonded to the government for some time after I complete my degree. Which also means I've gotta be an a) overchiever, b) extremely good at something, or c) freakishly smart. None of the descriptive words fit me. So what am I supposed to do? I could start by starting to study for my econs test. And maybe follow that up with some studying for Wednesday's history test.
Speaking of history... I'm contemplating switching it for math. It's probably premature to make any statements about how history is, but I think I may not like it much as time goes by. Sure, it's really interesting to read up about how and why the French Revolution actually started, and which idiots did what to start the Cold War. It's fine if you're reading because you're interested. It's one thing to read for leisure, but it's totally another to read under pressure. I'm interested, yes, but is it realistic of me to do both history and geography? Maybe I'd do well with this combination if I were slightly smarter and hardworking. But my brains feel like they've turned to complete mush this year, especially since I'm surrounded by a class of people who seem to know their work really really well. Like in class, everyone keeps asking the teachers intelligent questions that I would never have thought of myself in a million years. And the teacher goes like, "Hmmm... That's a very good question." Riigghht. So shoot me for being unable to think of good, thought-provoking questions. I can't do things at that pace, dammit. Am feeling quite frustrated about my lack of ability to keep up. Sighs.
Anyways. Econs is important to Dad - it's the ONLY subject he will not let me drop. Ironically, it's the subject I feel most like getting rid of to take math. But since it's so important to Dad, I'll just plough on at it. I have to do well. Maybe it'll make Dad happy again, like in old times? Maybe Mom will be happy too? Maybe I'll be able to see them both smile genuinely again - together? Maybe my doing well will get both their minds off their depression, even if it's only temporarily and for a very short while? Nothing lasts forever, anyway. It's a totally naive concept, hoping that my results will make my parents happy... Something that I only thought of when I was in primary school. It's so funny, how things have a way of coming back even when you never expect it to happen again. How things come a complete circle. Screw my doing well for tomorrow's test. I'd go to the moon to get things back to how they used to be again, but you're talking about me actually doing well in a test. I'd be more likely to have a sex-change operation in the next 24 hours and become a champion javelin thrower in this year's Olympics at Athens than to do well in tomorrow's test.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:27 PM
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