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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
*Secret Garden//Bruce Springsteen
Has there ever been a case in history whereby laziness caused the downfall of men - or perhaps caused men to lose major wars? I won't be surprised if it ever did happen this way, just look at me today. All I wanna do is to sleep.
Today's a glorious Tuesday, with nary a threatening dark cloud in the pale blue sky. Yet, I, being too darn lazy to drag my dratted butt out of my comfy bed this morning, find myself lolling about at home while my friends suffer - or enjoy, for some - the dreariness of day to day life in the classroom. I'm gonna regret doing this later tonight, when I realise that I'm gonna need an MC to haul myself out of trouble with Ms Yim tomorrow morning. Or will she even ask? Hope she doesn't. Shall just be as inconspicuous as possible and melt into the walls whenever I can.
Sighs. I'm so tired of JC life already. It seems a little premature to be saying this, but I really am so sick of all this - endless sheaves of History notes to plough through, blisters popping up on my fingers like mushrooms coming out after a sprinkle of showers as a result of non-stop writing of tutorials and such... And the stupid PE lessons!!! I hate it so much. I, being the most un-fit individual that exists in ACJC, suffer every single PE period. The last single period PE I had, I gave up trying to catch up with the rest of the people during the mass run thing and just ran at my own sweet pace. As a result of my total inability to run, I resorted to taking up the teachers' threats of being made to run the whole PE lesson. It was decidedly better than pushing myself until I felt like dying just so I could do sit-ups, push-ups and squats with every one else. Sighs. I wish some one would realise one fine day that there are some people in the world (namely me) that cannot run no matter how hard one tries. Until that day, I will continue to dread every Tuesday's PE.
Hope and expectations are scary concepts. Especially when you find them dashed at the end of the day... Only to leave you feeling broken and totally drained. Never hope for anything unless you're a hundred percent sure it's gonna come true. Even if you're almost convinced, don't. Because that's when it'll hurt the most. I'm going through a depressing patch right now... And have no idea how to get out of it. 6 months ago, when my hopes were high that Dad would find a job soon again... Well, 6 months on, and we're still standing where we started. There's even talk of selling the car. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. That's the worst part; I cannot work now to help Mom with the bills and such. I want to so badly, but there's no way any one's gonna let me quit school now just to work. All of a sudden, I feel so... Useless. Useless and utterly helpless. Like I'm just part of the audience in the theatre watching a drama unfolding, watching my own life spiral out of my control and into a dark abyss, where I cannot see and cannot go. It's sad how I've been reduced to this, sad how the entire structure of my life as I knew it has turned into this mess.
Self pity is despicable, girl. Stop it.
I wish I could. I really do.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
2:09 PM
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