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Wednesday, February 11, 2004
You know when I said that yesterday had to be the worst day of my week? Scratch that. Yesterday was almost as bad as today. Everyday just keeps getting worse and worse. The days can't keep increasing in their degree of horrible-ness without having the days improve, there has got to be some law that says that like a quadratic curve, there must be a maximum or minimum point before the curve starts to freefall back down or up again. Similarly, there has got to be a limit as to how horrible a day can be before things start to improve again. Wishful thinking, I know. But most of my life thus far has been based on false hope and disappointments... What harm can this little 'the quadratic curve of the sheer revolting-ness of the days in a month' do?
Was thinking about the O-Level results coming out soon, and so many other things. My mind is swimming with so much that it feels like it's at its saturating point, but I can't bring myself to unload anything to anyone. I'm almost afraid to say too much these days, as if I was making a birthday wish with my eyes closed and blowing out the candles on my cake with the constant reminder by the adults around me that my wish wouldn't come true if I told anyone about it. As I was saying, it's funny, how life seems to travel circles. How you think you've left one particular point or event behind for good only to have it come back years and years later when you barely remember anything at all anymore, left only with the vaguest of memories and a weird, disturbing niggling in the back of your mind whispering to you that everything seems so familiar. Deja vu, some people say. Evidence of a past life and reincarnation, others insist. Haven't they ever considered that the familiarity of it all merely could be because they had actually been through a very similar experience before in the past?
I'm tired. Tired of being unable to control so many aspects of my life. Tired of having absolutely no control over my feelings, especially. Why can't I have any say in something that is so intimately mine and no one else's? I can't help feeling angry any more than I can help my loving someone. It's the strange, twisted logic of this whole concept of being unable to control even myself that I find so disturbing. It makes sense... Yet it doesn't. I'm tired of my restless mind thinking up too many 'what-ifs' and 'whys'. Tired of being unable to restrain myself from feeling exceedingly overjoyed one moment, only to come crashing back down to hard, cold reality and following that, sinking into the depths of lonely depression thereafter. Tired of the endless stream of work that has to be done, of the continuous and utter mundaneness of day-to-day school life, of the futility of finishing one assignment only to have the next few thrown into your face shortly after.
Jeanne and I couldn't print the freaking tickets for Night of Laughter today, as we had planned earlier on. I hate it when plans fall apart. It just adds one more line to the list of things I have no control over. Hopefully, we'll be able to get all that done by tomorrow. Oh well. Surprise, surprise. What homework do I have today? History tutorial. Speaking of history... Today's international history test was the most amazing test I ever took. I never knew I actually knew so little up until today. Everyone around me was scribbling so furiously while I was writing away at my snail's pace... It was a real eye-opener. And rather humbling to know that my suspicions of my own stupidity was confirmed today. I'm definitely not going to pass this test. Half-way through the question, when I realised that there was absolutely no way I was gonna pass the test, I was contemplating throwing down my pen and going to sleep. Sighs.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
7:55 PM
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