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Wednesday, April 07, 2004
*100 Years//Five for Fighting
I seriously and truly need to lay off school for a while. I hate what's happening! Why are so many things happening even before I can really grasp the essence of it all? Before I can actually rationalise things with myself and sort out my thoughts and feelings? I wish I were little again, when all I cared about was where mom and dad were gonna bring me and Carol out for dinner, when all I cried over was the imaginary ghosts and monsters in my room. Argh.
I... don't know what to do... at all. I sat on the MRT today and watched the grey and depressing scenery whizz past me with nary an emotion on my face. But my mind was in complete turmoil. I kept thinking and thinking about what the heck I should do next. Then as everything became to complicated for me and I felt as if I was going to explode with surpressed emotion, the rain suddenly came and the soothing patter of raindrops sounded. It made me think of crawling into bed. Sighs. I just need someone to hug me right now. But mom's lying in bed and I don't wanna make her worry for my sanity and state of mind by my sudden yearning for a nice warm hug. Dad's completely and totally unsympathetic about school woes. Carol's wrapped up in her little Nanyang world of Council and softball. Trina's merely four blocks down the road, but we're both so caught up in our own separate lives that that one stretch of road that leads from my house to hers seems like an entire continent. Khin's so so far away, and I suspect she has her own more substantial problems to grapple with anyways. *sniffles- I just need... want... I don't even know what I want anymore.
I wish I could just yell out to the whole world what's eating into me and then let them decide that I'm a complete nut who's well and truly off her rocker. I wish I could tell... say... something. I wish I had control over my thoughts and my feelings. I wish I had my old, uncomplicated life back when Trina and I could spend lazy afternoons complaining to each other about Liverpool's or Leeds' loss, when we could go on and on about Alan Smith or Casillas. But all that seems such a long time ago that it feels like it happened in another lifetime. Was it only a year - no, six months - ago? Dearie me. The last time I did that with Trina was some time two weeks ago, when we called in a pizza and lolled about in front of her TV watching Lizzie McGuire. It's so nostalgic, so missed, and so sweet. Simple and uncomplicated - just two best friends spending time with each other on a lazy weekday afternoon, chilling out and talking crap.
Khin! I need a coffee therapy complete with crapping sessions with you soon! Trina! I need a heart-to-heart over pizza soon too! World, I just want my old life back. I know I can't go back in time, but I can't help wanting this all to be merely a bad dream. Oh, and to make things worse, I think I left my lit books on the bus. I realised that my hands were strangely empty only after I was scooting past Choa Chu Kang on the MRT. But by then, I was too deeply engrossed in my own thoughts to wonder at where I could have left them. Shall go check the general office tomorrow morning. Hopefully I left them outside the toilet while waiting for David? Oh, I hope so... Can't afford to pick up a new set of books.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
6:07 PM
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