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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
I try. I try so hard to be brave, to smile, to not give in. But it just freaking isn't working and I'm sick to puking point of trying so damn hard and seeing myself stuck in the same f*cked-up situation day in day out. I try so hard to believe, to keep faith. I pray almost every single moment of my life for things to change, but yet, nothing. No improvement, no bright spot in the day. Nothing. Not even a smile.
I wonder if there's anyone out there who feels the same way as I do. I really really feel for whoever does feel this way. I can emphatise, I can feel the pain, I know how thoughts can ravage the mind especially when you're tired and your defences are down. Like today. I was so tired. Was supposed to go for lunch with Cheryl and Laura at Holland V, but I just couldn't bring myself to travel there and back to Buona Vista MRT, then sit on the sickening train for an hour until the cool female voice announces "Yio Chu Kang". So I just went home. On the train, I was so tired that I fell fast asleep. My guard was down, my mind was defenceless. Before I drifted off into deep slumber, those predatory thoughts preyed on my mind. Made me feel so f*cked up. So sick and tired of life. Just so so tired. Even sleep held no form of escape for my tortured mind. I woke up with a sinking feeling of depression that could only be due to it.
Argh. I'm so tired. I slip in and out of my moods, and once I slip into one of those glum moods, my whole day is ruined. So I expend all my energy merely trying to ward those thoughts out of my mind throughout the day by singing silly songs, talking a lot and sleeping - concentrating on thinking of nothing else except sleep. It's so wrong. And yet I can't see how I'll get myself out of this unless something which will totally never happen happens. Life feels like a cruel game. I feel like one of those little pieces on a big board that always end up on the crappy squares whenever the dice are rolled. This is gonna sound so childish, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I don't understand how some people have everything, while others absolutely nothing. It's so bitterly unfair - especially for those who don't seem to have anything. Hello world. Won't you stop playing your game and let me get on with my life? The only way now that I'll ever be fine again is if an alien beams into my room tonight and decides to erase my memory completely. Since that is highly unlikely to happen, burying myself in math seems to be the next best thing to do.
Better than just sitting here in front of this screen and walking around in circles in my own head, anyways. I feel like I'll never be happy again. Not right now, not ever. Sighs. Depression seems almost able to kill.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:04 PM
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