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Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Life's changed. Class has changed. Yet I'm still me - or so I feel. I look into the mirror every morning and still see the same old face. Before I go to sleep every night, I still think the same old thoughts, wish for the same old things, say the same old prayer, know that nothing would have changed with the rising of the sun the next day. Sighs. It's sad, but I guess it's good to know what to expect - or not.
Didn't I mention this? - I'm in AA1 now. They even have 2 AH classes, and I can't make it into either one of them! It's so... bleah. It's not that I don't like my class now, I just wish I had made better use of my time in AH with my classmates... I miss them like hell now, especially Mel and Laura. Heck, I even miss the boys' playing soccer in the classroom and having teachers from all directions knocking on our door to tell us to shut the hell up. Argh.
I'm having enough fun in AA1... Yet I feel so strange. What do my classmates really think of me? Could they be saying stuff behind my back without my even knowing it? I feel so vulnerable lately. I think it's got to do with all the meeting of new people and making new friends. The whole process is sapping me dry. I climb into bed on some nights and find myself inexplicably crying into the pillows at the prospect of having to face everyone again the next day. I feel so unsettled, so displaced, so terribly lost. I feel as if something precious has been ripped away from me, and I have to get on with life as if nothing happened. Argh. I can't stand it.
And all this while, the haunting question of "why" eats into me every single minute of the day. Why... Why can't I? Why not? Why so? Why this? Why don't I? WHY???
Argh. I never knew how much confusion and turmoil a seventeen-year-old could possibly keep balled up inside until this year. Teenaged angst. It'll all pass eventually, I know. But I don't know how much longer I can tolerate it for. I don't know how much more I can take before giving in. I keep trying to listen to reason, but reason's voice is growing softer and softer with each passing day of being a spectator.
On a much much MUCH happier note, mom's out of hospital and walking around now. My one-week's absence from this blog was due to my having to make my way down to KK after school every day to be with mom until the nurse chased us out. I love my mommy. AND, dad's found a job again! He's started work this week, which explains why I have to take the stupid MRT back after school now. But hey! - I'm definitely not complaining. I love my daddy. Dad's found a job, mom's getting well, and my family life seems to be getting back to normal. *ecstasy- It all seems to good to be true. For the past half year of my life, I've been living in a horrible nightmare that seemed all too surreal. And now, I seem to be finally waking up from all that. Thank you, God. Thank you-thank you.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:09 PM
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