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Thursday, June 17, 2004
*Love Song for a Saviour//Jars of Clay
Just when you think that you've completely put the past behind you and you've moved on in life, a single moment of weakness is enough to unravel my hard-done work of stiching back the pieces of my life together again. Just a fleeting thought late at night when all is still and the air is soothingly cool, and all the unpleasant memories and thoughts come flying back.
Why?
Frustated. With myself. Why am I so freaking weak? With them. Why won't they stop? With you. Why can't you understand?
My life seems to be falling apart again even before the old scars have mended themselves. Mom spoke to me over dinner last week about how she was just so tired of the world, of how she still couldn't grapple with the fact that our lives have changed so much in the last 2 years, of how she was so angry with people. As she talked, her words coming out in an endless, torrential stream, I could feel her hurt, her pain, her confusion. I didn't know what to tell Mom, I didn't know how to tell her that I was so very sorry for being part of the cause of our predicament now. I didn't know how to tell her that I felt her anger, I didn't know how to tell her that I'd try to set things right again when I start work in a couple of years time. I felt so lost.
I wanted to tell her that it wasn't Dad's fault, that I was partly to blame too 'cause Dad had spoilt me rotten as a child. If only I hadn't demanded for so much, if only I hadn't been so selfish. Carol was telling me the other day too that I was such a selfish kid and that we're where we are now partly 'cause of me. I knew all that, but it hurt to hear it affirmed from my little sister's own mouth.
Guilt. Mom and Dad think that I'm doing all right in school - but they couldn't be further from the truth. I've been doing absolutely nothing in school this past term, and I've got my screwed-up marks to prove that. I've been trapped in my own misery for the past month or so, too wrapped up in my own thoughts and head to concentrate on what ultimately matters - my schoolwork. A prisoner in my own thoughts. I've finally emerged, battered and bruised but recently, those thoughts which I thought I'd gotten rid of have come back to haunt me. Especially at night, in the few moments I lie awake in my bed just before sleep claims me.
Sighs. Just one moment of weakness was all it took, and now everything seems as messed up as it was 2 months ago. I thought I'd moved on, but it seems now that I've been walking in a circle - and I'm back where I started. I'm tired.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
3:05 PM
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