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Wednesday, August 25, 2004
All of a sudden, I feel damn depressed again. Don't know why, I just do.
No. Actually, I do know the exact reason for the dip in my mood. But whywhywhy? Why now?? Arghh. I hate this. Ihateyou. For making me so damn depressed without even knowing you did. For everything. Ihateyou. Ihateme.
Didn't go to school this morning. I got up at 6am this morning and spotted the unfinished gp essay lying on my table. Then thought of the pw written report that's due this-bloody-friday, the e8 essay which I've done all of one paragraph, the 2 geog essays remaining and I really almost wanted to cry. As in, I just plopped myself onto my messed-up bed and dived under the covers and hugged my pillow tight and just wanted to cry. And then the stupid thought of the promos bounced happily into my tortured mind and I remembered (mr) lynn saying something about having to take 2 S-papers if you're a 3-subber and I thought of the 2Fs I got for my terms. And I reallyreallyreally wanted to just die. For all of 15minutes this morning, I just hid under my comforter and let the stress and misery overwhelm me. Then I heard Dad yelling from downstairs to hurry-up or everyone would be late and I decided that I wouldn't go to school today. It's damn bad, I know. But the thought of having to go to school and facing everyone made me feel so sick.
So anyway. Since I was up and fairly awake at 6 in the morning, I figured I'd finish up my gp essay before crawling back into bed for a longlong sleep.
The terribly heavy rain's stopped. The only signs of it having rained earlier is the soothing dripping of raindrops hitting the shingles outside and the wetwet ground. I like. And I feel fairly better now that I'm done with my gp essay. Shall do one thing at a time, so shan't worry about the pw waiting for me.
I still feel sad, yes, but the sadness has somewhat become a part of me. Like it's always there, only sometimes I hide it so well that I don't even realise it's there, but when I do, I know it'll never go away. 'Cause it's become a part of me and I don't know how to get rid of it short of having a heavyweight boxer knock me out and regaining consciousness with a complete concussion. Sometimes, I think that forgetting would be to die for, but other times, I refuse to forget 'cause the thought of erasing it totally from my mind makes me veryvery sad. So I think I'll continue to live with it.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
12:07 PM
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