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Saturday, September 11, 2004
Gosh. The whole of yesterday gone just like that. Spent the whole day out. And I don't feel like doing anything now. Badbad.
Went for econs yesterday morning first. I think I'm quite dead for econs 'cause like, (ms) tancc got me to go up to the board to draw some diagram thing. The demand and supply curves for a firm and industry in perfect competition I think. Anyway. When she called me to go up to the board to draw it, what she wanted me to draw sounded vaguely familiar, like I KNEW what she wanted and KNEW how to draw it. But when I held the marker in my hand, I just.. Forgot everything. Every single bloody thing. I was getting quite annoyed with myself 'cause I'd seen and drawn the diagram for myself a million times before already. Oh dear.
Lunch at Suki with Nartz, Pedro, Maria, Cheryl and Chels later. Cheryl, Chels and I had a-la-carte. Ate 3 softshell crab handrolls and felt prettyy good about it later. Chels left to meet her friend earlier, leaving Cheryl and I to talk over lunch. I.. Got prettyyy worked up over what we talked about. Not AT Cheryl, but our topic of conversation. I seriously DISLIKE. Really truly. I felt quite sad after that. And I just canNOT comprehend how the minds of some people work. How they can seem to treat you so nicely, smiles and all.. (Note the word: seem.) Note they And oh, I shan't say anymore. No point in getting so worked up, really. I guess.. The world's just quite a messed up place, and some people just puzzle the hell out of me with what they say and what they think and oh, here I go again. :(
Before I really lose it and start ranting about what's been pissing me off for the longest time ever, I'll just run through the rest of my day quickly enough. Left Suki soon after, headed to Taka to shop for Dree's present. Walked into Mango and Zara and a dozen other shops, but couldn't find anything. Cheryl and I finally found something nice at Accessorize. It was ABOUT TIME too. I swear, my feet were just dying. And my shoulders and arms and just about every part of my body as well. We went over to Topshop. I saw a few prettyyy skirts that I liked. :) Gotta start saving from scratch again, after blowing my entire savings account yesterday present-shopping. Met Kor at the Chinese High bus-stop at 7.15pm and took the damn long walk across the bridge and round the entire perimeter of the school before we got to Nanyang. Gosh. It took a whole 15minutes just to get from the bus-stop across the road to the Nanyang school gate. Carol called to tell me to get our complimentary tickets from Denise. I'd forgotten how Denise looked like, so had to get some help there. Got help from one of Carol's friends, who identified herself by saying "Hey, you're Carol's sister! She wants you to donate!" And I got a box shoved under my nose and got robbed of two bucks in the process. Hahahah. The production itself was prettyyy good! I think I'm gonna re-read Amy Tan's The Bonesetter's Daughter. I didn't understand most of the second act 'cause it was totally in CHINESE. Eeek. :/ So gotta go read the book again (which is completely in English, thankgoodness) to find out what happened in between Ruth's mother going senile and putting stuff in the fridge and Art proposing to Ruth. The part in China. Ohh, and we had a lousy audience last night. They laughed at all the wrong times. This scene where Ruth was supposed to be mad at LuLing? And another scene where Ruth was damn upset by LuLing's injury? Well, the audience found it hilarious and started laughing. Sheeesh. I felt so bad for the actress playing Ruth, 'cause it was clearly not meant to be a funny scene. Thankgoodness there was someone else among the laughing people who had any decency. Someone got the rest to shutup with a mighty SHHHHHHH. :) Went out for supper after that with mom and dad and Kor and Carol (oh, and that makes everyone). Had a nice steaming plate of fried kway teow and sweeeeettt iced milo. The iced milo in coffee shops are damn sweet. ALOT of condensed milk, I think.
So anyways. Yesterday was a nice enough day. But as I went to bed, the last thing on my mind was my conversation with Cheryl at Suki. And though I didn't show any outward signs of annoyance, I was actually quite disturbed by it all. Sighhh. I guess I'm the kind of person who'd really rather avoid confrontations and all that and... You know, basically peace-loving and prettyyy mild in general.
I used to worry about the mean things that other people could say behind my back, 'cause I used to feel completely destroyed whenever I found out that someone somewhere out there thought that I was less than perfect. I still feel a little uneasy when I think that someone who I consider a friend may actually tell the rest of the world that I'm NOT her friend, though I think I am, but she actually truly hates me and cannot stand me. But stepping out of ij has made me realise that not everyone in the world will be my friend, not everyone will necessarily like me. In fact, some people may hate me, and I shouldn't lose any sleep over that. Realising that has made me appreciate those people who I KNOW won't say straaaannge stuff about me without my knowing it, and oh, thankyou Trina and Khin and my darling Pals for letting me feel safe and secure with you guys without having to worry about ever feeling betrayed.
I don't know why I suddenly felt sentimental. I'm actually biting my lip now to stop myself from continuing to rant, not that it'll help, 'cause I'm not really talking now but am typing. But my biting my lip just reminds me to get hold of myself before I say stuff I'll regret later. I recognise that some people aren't actually mean MEAN, but I don't know... Their actions just say otherwise. Like how you just know that someone's basically a nice, decent person inside, but the next minute, his/her actions just seem to scream the exact opposite and you start to wonder if your initial judgement was completely warped or whether that person's gone temporarily insane. Or how you think that the person's plain nice all round when you suddenly realise that other people around you don't really think so and they start telling you stuff about him/her. Bad stuff.
And there's this other thing called the herd mentality that Khin (I think) was telling me about last year. She used to read these psychology books that explained weird human behaviour. Believe me when I describe human behaviour as weird, 'cause I truly think that a large majority of human actions are inexplicable and veryvery hard to comprehend. And my prefect days also had shown me how some people tended to behave in the same way that the friends in their group did. I remember how we had one of those learn-to-love-yourself talks last year after our prelims, and one speaker said something that I found particularly funny in a twisted way.
"A person's true beautiful side only shows when she's in a large group of friends. Yes, as a single person, she's pretty, but in a group, she truly shines."
Or some complete nonsense along those lines. I might have thought that the guy was - wow-wee, a genius!! - last time. But looking back on those words, I think the school might as well have poured the money they spent hiring him down the drain. Like, HUH?!?! The man's telling us that we have to be among a group of people to truly shine and blahhh, and that we're not good enough to stand by ourselves, and we're paying the man good money for that? Hello, what happened to the learn-to-love-yourself talk? That sounded more like learn-to-love-yourself-'cause-you're-damn-good-BUTBUT-only-among-other-people-'cause-you're-not-good-enough-by-your-lonesome-self.
In fact. I've seen how someone can be really nice alone, but put her in a group of friends and she's like someone totally different - bad different, that is - 'cause she's no longer nice and all she tries to do is to be someone she thinks her friends will like. Okayyyy, so that may have sounded more than a little harsh, but I call it as I see it. So shoot me for observing and having a mind of my own. I know exactly who I am and who I want others to see me as, and I feel quite perfectly comfortable in my own skin (contrary to your straaaannggee warped beliefs), thank you veryvery much.
So after years and years of quiet, innoculous observation from my little corner in the world I've concluded that, no, I don't need to be Little Miss Popular, and no thanks, I don't need to be cooler than everyone else. Oh, and it's all right, I don't need to have more friends than there are stars in the sky, and sheesh, for the last time!! - I don't need that patronising tone you adopt when you speak to me! So take your hypocrisy along with you as you go, why don't you, and ooohhhh, how'd you like repeating what rather hurtful things you always say about my friends and me behind our backs to my face? (So I may burst into tears at that or may end up feeling utterly destroyed for weeks on end after that, but we'll take the risk, eh?) And oh, while we're at it, perhaps you'd consider enrolling yourself for a workshop pronto. I'll sponsor you, but don't be disappointed 'cause it ain't for your looks honey. So maybe you'd be surprised to find out that, hey!!, there's more to life than what's on the surface anyway!!! And maybe just maybe, you'll finally learn that everyone has feelings, yeah, you know those things that you think every other walking and breathing person on this earth doesn't have except yourself? - and that you've been hurting those whatsits? - oh, feelings, yeah, that's it.
Open up your eyes, take off those rose-tinted glasses and you may just find out that oh, the tragedy of it all!!! - not everyone wants to be a carbon copy of you after all. Wake up. So maybe I don't look and act and talk like you. And that. Is quite positively all right. You love you just the way you are, and I sure love me for the way I am, so we'll just keep it as that eh? No one needs to say anything else, and the world would be a muchmuch nicer place to live in, I'd like to think.
And that concludes my rant after manymany years of observing different people's behaviour. So not everyone agrees with what I just said, and I've grown to accept the fact that a large majority of the world won't love me to bits, but hey, a girl's entitled to her own thoughts and ideals. And though I acknowledge the fact that there ARE some not-so-nice things going on in the world and that life off that nice pink fluffy cloud's much less that perfect, I can't change anything. This post isn't so much about "backstabbing" (as someone pointed out not-too-subtly) as it is about how a large majority of everyone thinks too much about everyone else's wishes and wants and assumes that all he/she wants to do is to be someone else they're not. It's quite paradoxical, 'cause I'm doing precisely that now - thinking about how some people assume that. I'm starting to get a headache.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
1:44 PM
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