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Thursday, September 16, 2004
I'm in the school library now. Omg. I hatehatehate HATE pw so much. I'm in a terrible mood even though it's after school now. Which says quite a lot 'cause I'm usually enjoy my time after school. I'm a firm believer in having fun after school hours. But I'm having trouble adhering to my own rules these days.
And the library's phenomenally packed today. Exam and pw fever's seeping into everyone. I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Which is bad.
I keep doing the stupidest things. I filled in the form to run for arts council. Thinking that all I'd have to do would be to fill in the form. Fill in the form, as in just write some stuff. But NOOOOOOOOOOO. There was supposed to be an interview today for those people running for president. I don't really wanna go into the details 'cause I was soSO annoyed with the whole interview business just now. So I told Jinsheng that I didn't wanna run for pres anymore. Thinking that hey, I won't have to be interviewed! But grrrrr. To my horror, I find out that there may be an interview tomorrow for the rest of the people running for arts council anywayyyyy. Which means there's no way I can run away from having to speak to two people who wanna judge me based on how I present myself in such an intimidating scenario. Gosh. Some things, you just can't run away from, I find. After going through the council interview and coming out in a terrible state 'cause I was absolutely petrified, then finding out that I'd made it through the interview, THEN finding out that I'd have to go on stage to say something and deciding to pull out then was HEARTBREAKING. I regretted it like hell and I'm still kicking myself over my idiocy every night. I was determined never to make spur of the moment decisions ever again 'cause they just cause you endless grief. Then just now, I had a fleeting thought of pulling out of running for arts council totally just so I wouldn't have to be interviewed... And I reminded myself not to be a complete ass.
I'm terribly terribly annoyed with myself for being such a lousy public speaker. For making myself appear totally brainless in interviews. For being so SCARED of every single damn thing. Grrrr. What's. WRONG with me??? Why can't I just be content living life as just another ordinary person. Why do I put myself through the self-inflicted torture of being intimidated out of my wits during interviews and such for leadership roles. If I'm so freaking terrified of all that, then maybe I'm not cut out for roles that need me to step up and out? So. Why do I even try so hard??? I'm starting to get damn pissed. Reeeeaaaallllyy.
All right. Pw. Pw. Pw. Back to pw. Shan't get worked up. Shan't get too upset. Shan't start pms-ing on myself and start being a bitch to everyone around me. Shan't beat myself up for something that's already been over and done with. Shan't keep asking myself questions that I CANNOT ANSWER. Shan't look like I'm ready to bite someone's head off. Shan't blog anymore.
Shan't SHAN't cry, dammit.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:13 PM
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