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Friday, November 12, 2004
Rain falling outside my windows again. The sky's a dark grey. It's making me feel gloomy too, though I woke up feeling perfectly cheery. Ohgosh, I realise it's my first time listening to a chinese song. Jay Chou's An Jing. My chinese sucks but I think I understand the lyrics of the song. Translated, the chorus says:
You're already long gone
So I'll have to slowly leave
Why am I always trailing you, even in breaking up?
I'm really unfated
I can't quiten myself that quickly
I'll slowly learn to let go of you
That's 'cause I love you too much.
Heh. Think I can become a translator next time? Not bad eh. Hahah. Okay, so it sounds weird in english. And it's probably kinda off somewhere in the middle 'cause I couldn't be bothered to check the dictionary.
Had cramps on Wednesday. It was crazy. And gross. And horrible. And OHgoodness, damn damn painful. Sigh. Drama tomorrow. Probably gonna paint stuff white again. I'm not looking down at crewing work from the tip of my nose or anything like that, but I feel kinda... exploited. EVERYONE can paint. It's not like I need any special talent to paint a platform completely white or black or purple. I wish I were in a cca that makes me feel that, hey! I'm actually kinda good at something. For once! But ohwell, shan't complain. Should be thankful for so much already.
I'm getting restless. Getting the feeling that I'm wasting my life away slowly bit by bit, wasting the best years of my life being a complete slacker. When I could be doing stuff that'll benefit me in the long run, I'm just investing my time in small mundane things. I don't challenge myself anymore, I find. What to do, what to do??? I need a meaningful challenging task besides studying to pit my brains against soon or I might just implode with pent-up frustration. I need.. I need something to DO. I thought I'd be happy just fading into the background for the next 2 years and being just part of the crowd. HA. I thought wrong. That thought just doesn't sit well with me. And since I left ij, I've been feeling.. Useless in a way. 'Cause like when I was doing council stuff, I always felt like I was needed. My committee was supposed to be putting in the discipline records in the thick red files I used to keep and every now and then, I'd collect booking slips from the drawer in the prefects' room to collate people's offences. I used to grumble a lot while I was doing it. But at least I was contributing in some way. Now, I just feel like I'm doing nothing but soaking up sunshine and taking in oxygen. I feel un-needed, and... it's childish, I know, but I hate that feeling. Grrrr.
Mom just called to remind me to clear up my mess in the house. Maybe I'll go do that now, 'cause I'm reallyreally damn restless. I wish I were a little busier, so I won't have so much time to think and let my mind wander. Oh sigh, but I know myself, when I get too busy, I'll start wishing that I weren't so busy so I'd have more time for myself to sleep and think... And then I start thinking too much again and get all miserable and ohboy, I'll never be happy I think.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
1:07 PM
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