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Saturday, February 28, 2004
The O-Level results came out today. I wish it didn't. I really do. It's so surreal... I'm so confused. I didn't do as well as I would have liked - but it wasn't very bad either. It's just the matter of being forced to leave my class 'cause I didn't do well enough. And I don't like that feeling of being forcibly kicked out.
There're so many things swimming around in my head now. Too many different thoughts, all clashing with one another and jamming up the neurons in my head. Causing a major headache and making me feel like absolute crap. Still, I persisted in going out with Trina and pigging out until it was too late to stay out anymore. Still feel quite awful. Can't believe the results are really out. Can't believe I got what I got. Sighs. Everyone around me seems to have done so well. I know I should feel happy for my friends - and that I do - but I can't help feeling a tinge of envy as I congratulate them.
... And ticketing! I have so much to say about it, but I daren't. Not here, anyway. Oh... I feel like I'm going to explode soon. I'm keeping too many things in again. How did all my emotional baggage stack up 'til it's reached this state, all in the space of a single day? Oh dear, oh dear. This isn't any good at all.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
12:24 AM
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Fun-O-Rama yesterday was damn awesome! So were the preparations leading up to it! I'm a happy girl right at this point in time. Got to know the people working with me in the games com better. That's what fun-fairs are for, right? To know more people and have fun at the same time. I've been going out for dinner almost every night since Tuesday after painting banners and such... With different groups of people each time. Had the time of my life, though I'm dead tired at this particular point in time. Was worth it, though. :)
I want so much to put every detail of my past week in here, but I know that I realistically can't, so I won't even bother trying. Too many things happened. Too little time to blog. So I shall jot it all down in the diary in my drawer later tonight. For now, I shall just go curl up in my bed again until dinner time. Been sleeping most of the day away, and I'm still exhausted.
But I wouldn't have given up the fun-o-rama experience for anything in the world. I'm glad it's all over... But I'm sad that it is. A paradox... But aren't our lives all just that?
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:28 PM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
I'm tired. I'm seriously tired. Went back to IJ to sell fun-o-rama tickets today... It was pathetic. Managed to sell only one. Maybe it could be because only about 30 other IJ girls decended upon our/their alma mater like a hoarde of hornets. So if every one of us managed to sell at least two (I'm a lousy salesperson), we'd have raised about $300... Which really ain't that bad. But on our own, we would have only sold one each. So I guess that's the advantage of invading your old school with an army of former students all with the sole objective of selling tickets.
Intended to watch Lost in Translation today with Laura... But the show timing was seriously off. So what did we do? We sat around in Lido and just stoned the next hour or so away. I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the bench with all the noise surrounding me. It's amazing, how you can sleep through anything if you're that worn out. Laura prod me awake and we decided to go to her house so I could sleep properly. Had a delicious nap on Laura's table. Woke up and went back to school again at about 4. Joel Chin called while I was on the bus and totally scared me awake when he said the drama people were all waiting for me again. I was frantic, 'cause I thought I was only supposed to be back after zero period ended. Did some rapid calling around, and realised that I got all flustered over nothing, 'cause there weren't that many people there in the first place. Sighs.
Then the banner business comes along. I'm so tired of chasing people to stay back and paint the stupid banner. Good grief, it's just one miserable banner. Why should I have to do so much persuading to make people stay back and paint so we can quickly get it over and done with? Argh. Got majorly pissed at the world in general today after reaching school again. The banner, the tickets... Even my history tutorial. This has nothing to do with the banner or the people involved in it, but I just gotta let this out. Why do things have such a nasty way of re-surfacing and re-playing themselves in different versions over and over again? I'm sick and tired of people not being able to make up their minds. I'm sick to puking point of rumours that keep re-surfacing, each time as a slightly different or altered version. It's stupid, so so stupid. Maybe I'm letting this get to me, 'cause I'm feeling so grumpy now. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing. But if only the same people who helped with the banner come tomorrow, I'm so tempted to just quit worrying and lay off school until the O-Level results come out. It's really very tempting to, but I can't shirk my responsibilities. It'd be... Wrong. I've been making sure I fulfill my responsibilities for the past 3 years or so. I don't see why I should let this fun-o-rama business get to me and make me do something that's so totally against my nature. Sighs.
To hell with my unfinished homework. I'm gonna shower and snuggle up into bed within the next half hour, or I won't last tomorrow. It'll be a freaking long day. I'm so not looking forward to it.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:47 PM
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Sighs. There really isn't any point in continuing to blog about things that'll get other people disturbed. So today, I shall gripe about Chinese. I'll blog in simple English, not because my entries before these were in any form of intricately formed sentences, but because I feel like my brain's working so slowly today that it's practically crawling backwards.
Chinese. The main bane of my life ever since I started having to learn the wretched subject. I've been having tuition ever since I was in kindergarten, am STILL having tuition now while I'm in junior college, and I forsee myself having to have tuition until the happy day heralding my pass in Chinese finally arrives. Until that day rolls by, I shall plough through the language which has remained such a mystery to me even after 13 years of studying.
Argh. I have a Chinese test tomorrow which I hardly studied for, and I don't wanna study for. I have too many other things on my mind right now... Can't think about Chinese.
I'm a total idiot. I keep telling myself to stop doing stupid things, but doing retarded things seem to come so naturally to myself that it seems almost normal for me. I wish I actually thought more about the consequences, mulled over the possible results and outcomes in my head before actually doing stuff. Then I wouldn't land up feeling so much like a damn fool after it's been done and buried. Sighs.
Resolutions
#1: I shall think before I say or do anything.
#2: I shall think positive. However bad the thing that has happened to me seems, it is NOT the end of the world.
#3: Just THINK.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:01 PM
Saturday, February 14, 2004
To Dream by Day
"All people dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their mind, wake in the morning to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous people, for they dream their dreams with open eyes, and make them come true."
With these words of T.E. Lawrence, also known to us as Lawrence of Arabia, I begin. In the day when all is clear and the sun bright, I dared to dream those fluffy things of the night, mere wisps of passing fantasy that would never have taken root in my life. Out under that unblemished cerulean blue sky, I saw with my own two eyes the stuff of my dreams playing out on those clouds; I saw, and began to believe.
Belief is a great power that you hold in the palm of your own hand, and only truly loses its value if you let someone snatch it away from you. Dreams without faith are but mere pictures in our minds, but when we start to see in front of ourselves a thread of gold that holds in it all the deep, unfathomable secrets of the mind and heart, grab that delicate strand firmly with both hands, and as far as possible, do not let it go.
For now, dear reader, I have decided to tell you the story of my life, the tale of a seemingly ordinary sixteen year old. Granted, I may not have fully gone through the myriad of feelings and experiences that most of you readers would have, and I most certainly do not claim to have done so.
No, my life has not been harsh and arduous in the manner of countless starving and diseased children in impoverished countries the world over, nor has it been days of endless opulence, luxury and comforts.
Instead, my existence here on this world has been one like those hundreds and thousands of students my age, virtually invisible, a mere nameless face among the crowds. In every sense, this story is one of a typical teenaged girl, an ordinariness synonymous with all things dull, dreary and drab.
Today, as I sit by the window where dancing sun beams poke their way through the glass panes and the sweet smell of white jasmines from my garden float in the air up to my room, I tell you my story: To Dream by Day - the Life of Marie Christina Lin, the obscure girl who simply dared to dream.
**
No one would have guessed the identity of the author of this piece of work. The story is cliched beyond cliched, the entire tale simplistic. This is but the beginning of the story, the rest of the tale was far too idealistic to put up here. I read this with scorn, being the complete cynic I am.
Then I recognise the hopefulness and innocence of the writer. I see that same idealism that I possessed a mere year ago. And I realised who the author was: It was me that was writing, just barely a year ago.
And then it hits me, how much things have changed. I couldn't possibly write something like that now - I'm too filled with angst and bitterness to write something as intristically good as this. I'm miserable, by virtue of the one simple fact that I can't recognise the Kelly of a year ago anymore. As I told myself before, self-pity is despicable, and I wish I could just shut the hell up about myself. But I remember Khin telling me before that we, as humans, have this inane tendancy to be exceptionally interested in matters that directly affect us and the structure of our lives. Can I blame this on human nature? Or is it pure weakness on my part?
Oh dear. I'm confusing myself.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
7:54 PM
It's Valentine's Day today... What joy! I'm just back from Laura's house... Slept over there last night after the SJI thing. Yesterday was pretty ok - though we had no pre-planned programme. I managed to talk to Joy and Stella about the totally screwed up education system here, how everything's tied in to your grades, how the higher powers-that-be assume that your grades are an indicator of how much potential you have. That's total bull-sh*t. I know of many people who don't do very well academically, but they're such amazing dynamos with an incredible capacity to lead, inspire and commit. The more I talked about it, the more confused I got. I realised after a while that while it seemed that I was making progress as I talked to Joy last night, I was actually walking around in circles in my own head. One thing always leads to another, and in the end, I land up where I started - at the beginning.
Sighs. But it was pretty good to actually be able to empty my head of these thoughts once in a while and allow other presumably wiser and older people to have a go at answering my many questions - which, I must admit that are at times rather retarded. To Stella, my mortal who thinks I'm an idiot and keeps asking me what denial is - thank you for starting everything by bothering to ask me about what I wanted in the first place, and for drilling into my head the fact that someone will catch me if and when I fall. It's damned cliched and terribly overused, but sometimes, these comforting cliches are what comforts me when I feel overwhelmed by the pace at which things are progressing around me. To my simple mind, these kinda cliches work best when I'm feeling that my mind is running too far ahead of its own intristic capabilities and attempting to think complex thoughts.
Anyways. SJI aside, yesterday was a pretty darn fun day. By the time the second period drew to a close with the sounding of the chime, I was convinced that the males in my class that morning were pretty much beyond hope. While Laura and I went down to the staff lounge to try to get the helium tank to the canteen so we could sell balloons that recess, the boys in class were taking turns at throwing scrunched up sweet wrappers into the bin. After they ran out of things to throw, they would run back to the bin, pick up whatever they had tossed, run back to their desks, and start throwing them all over again. I couldn't help but feel sorry for them. Sure, it's ok if you think that aiming at the bin at the far end of the wall is fun. But doing that while their classmates are trying to get things done? I'm sorry, but I was too astounded to say anything much besides one or two scathing remarks that were better kept to myself.
After that, though, things started to be much better. The balloon sales was pretty good and went smoothly. The boys actually helped to pump the balloons. *gasp, what a pleasant surprise!* And they actually helped to sell a fairly large number of them. *gasp, bigger surprise!* We didn't have GP lessons that morning as Miss Yim was nice about our fund-raising efforts and gave us the two periods to get ready for everything. I made use of the two periods to get Khin from the library (she crashed AC yesterday!), and get her down to the canteen to talk crap to her. She found Leon after a while so I went back to help hold balloons, though there really wasn't much to do in the first place. Recess came along, and we sold some balloons. We decided to skip econs lecture, but I didn't dare to skip geography tutorial which followed that. In economics terms, the opportunity cost would of skipping the tutorial would be too great. E4 literature was next, and I met Laura and Ian Chua walking down from class to the canteen. She told me that they had persmission to miss lit and look after the things in the canteen, while I would take over during European history tutorial with Mel and Jeanne. But oh! - the complete unfairness of it all made me feel totally misunderstood when Miss Ng didn't allow me to miss her tutorial, while she let Mel and Jeanne, and even Laura go. Why?? I didn't realise how much my work attitude has changed this year up until that point in time, when Miss Ng thought I was one of the people who she had to keep an eye on in terms of schoolwork. This isn't good. I really need to do something about my work attitude. It's become strangely distorted with the influx of so many new people and events. Argh. Skipped Chinese, had a free period for E8 lit, and stoned during econs tutorial. I didn't do anything even slightly useful yesterday.
Well. It's Valentine's Day today, and as I said right at the start of this entry - what complete and exhilirating joy I'm feeling on this special occasion. The day which you are supposed to spend with the one you love or with your friends - I'm spending it alone in my bedroom trying to catch up on my sleep! This is seriously getting to be very pathetic. I should have tried asking Ko-Ko Maggie for tickets to the MTV Asia Awards tonight. Then at least I'd have something special to do today instead of just spending it like a drearier-than-usual Saturday. And besides, I know for a fact that someone has tickets to the Awards. Argh. Why didn't I ask?
heard
those magic reindeer click @
11:34 AM
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Obviously, there is no limit as to how bad your day can become. Today was total shit. I was completely PMS-ed, although I never really believed in that in the past. The hormones in my body were running amok and wrecking havoc to my mood the entire morning. Don't know why, but I felt like I just had to get the hell out of class this morning. The walls were closing in on me, the air-con was too freaking cold, the people seemed strangely unfamiliar, I was having nauseating cramps, a pounding headache was threatening to split my head... I never felt more disgusting before in my entire life. All the while, this complete sense of depression and irritation was threatening to engulf me. I hate it when I become so fatalistic, so downright sullen. It just isn't me to stay down for too long when in the company of friends. I felt really bad about being so snappish to Laura and Mel today... Think I will do something special for them for Valentine's tomorrow.
Speaking of Valentine's... I'm still dateless. But it's ok I guess. I'll be going out with Trina for lunch this Saturday, so maybe it's good that we've got the lunch to catch up? Seeing my friends from IJ is like a double-edged sword - there're so many good things... And then there's the bad. I feel really comfortable in their company, but after talking to them, I realise how much I miss IJ. It sucks.
Then there's the European history tutorial I didn't do today. Landed up staying back after school to finish it. Was really annoyed about that, but it was my fault for not doing it in the first place. After realising that, started to feel annoyed with myself for being such a total ass. Argh. It's a vicious cycle, this blame thing.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:36 PM
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
You know when I said that yesterday had to be the worst day of my week? Scratch that. Yesterday was almost as bad as today. Everyday just keeps getting worse and worse. The days can't keep increasing in their degree of horrible-ness without having the days improve, there has got to be some law that says that like a quadratic curve, there must be a maximum or minimum point before the curve starts to freefall back down or up again. Similarly, there has got to be a limit as to how horrible a day can be before things start to improve again. Wishful thinking, I know. But most of my life thus far has been based on false hope and disappointments... What harm can this little 'the quadratic curve of the sheer revolting-ness of the days in a month' do?
Was thinking about the O-Level results coming out soon, and so many other things. My mind is swimming with so much that it feels like it's at its saturating point, but I can't bring myself to unload anything to anyone. I'm almost afraid to say too much these days, as if I was making a birthday wish with my eyes closed and blowing out the candles on my cake with the constant reminder by the adults around me that my wish wouldn't come true if I told anyone about it. As I was saying, it's funny, how life seems to travel circles. How you think you've left one particular point or event behind for good only to have it come back years and years later when you barely remember anything at all anymore, left only with the vaguest of memories and a weird, disturbing niggling in the back of your mind whispering to you that everything seems so familiar. Deja vu, some people say. Evidence of a past life and reincarnation, others insist. Haven't they ever considered that the familiarity of it all merely could be because they had actually been through a very similar experience before in the past?
I'm tired. Tired of being unable to control so many aspects of my life. Tired of having absolutely no control over my feelings, especially. Why can't I have any say in something that is so intimately mine and no one else's? I can't help feeling angry any more than I can help my loving someone. It's the strange, twisted logic of this whole concept of being unable to control even myself that I find so disturbing. It makes sense... Yet it doesn't. I'm tired of my restless mind thinking up too many 'what-ifs' and 'whys'. Tired of being unable to restrain myself from feeling exceedingly overjoyed one moment, only to come crashing back down to hard, cold reality and following that, sinking into the depths of lonely depression thereafter. Tired of the endless stream of work that has to be done, of the continuous and utter mundaneness of day-to-day school life, of the futility of finishing one assignment only to have the next few thrown into your face shortly after.
Jeanne and I couldn't print the freaking tickets for Night of Laughter today, as we had planned earlier on. I hate it when plans fall apart. It just adds one more line to the list of things I have no control over. Hopefully, we'll be able to get all that done by tomorrow. Oh well. Surprise, surprise. What homework do I have today? History tutorial. Speaking of history... Today's international history test was the most amazing test I ever took. I never knew I actually knew so little up until today. Everyone around me was scribbling so furiously while I was writing away at my snail's pace... It was a real eye-opener. And rather humbling to know that my suspicions of my own stupidity was confirmed today. I'm definitely not going to pass this test. Half-way through the question, when I realised that there was absolutely no way I was gonna pass the test, I was contemplating throwing down my pen and going to sleep. Sighs.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
7:55 PM
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Today has got to be one of the worst days in the entire week. Econs test was total crap. Michelle told Jeanne and I about the ticketing again, and it sounds like a damn lot of work to do. Mom and dad are arguing over the stupidest of things. Mr. Ngoei has returned my history tutorials and has written remarks asking where the hell my own work is, seeing that I've blatantly copied my work off the board and handed it in. And since it's true, I have no right to feel angry or anything like that. I'm planning on redoing those tutorials for him, but there's just far too much work to finish all those by tonight. I feel so close to tears now. Even this computer isn't working well. The entire screen is this sick yellowy hue that's making my eyes water. Argh. Wish today would be over soon.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:42 PM
Monday, February 09, 2004
*Foolish Games//Jewel
You took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one
With dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself
heard
those magic reindeer click @
7:30 PM
Econs test tomorrow... Don't wanna study. What am I still doing blogging away when I could be doing better things? Sighs. This is bad. Am getting addicted to the liberating feeling of blogging. I feel compelled to blog almost every day now, ever since I started again. Shouldn't one be blogging only when one has an overwhelming urge to say something that one cannot say any where else? Then why am I typing mindlessly away about the day's events and such? Maybe it's because deep within me, I know that memories won't last forever. Now that I'm young, I get this feeling of being invincible - like I'll live forever. But sometimes, late at night, I think about growing old... And I'm scared. It's funny how I'm only afraid when I'm immersed in the stillness of the darkness enveloping me totally. In the day, when the sun shines and birds sing their merry songs, when I take in all the sights around me with youthful curiosity, when I look up and see the sky looking absolutely beautiful with wispy clouds drifting about in the slight breeze, I'm not afraid. I only think of what's gonna happen next, what lies in wait for me as the next hour, the next day rolls round. But at night, I scare myself by thinking of growing old, and losing my memory bit by bit as the haunting spectre known as death grows closer and closer. I'm afraid that sometime in the future, I may wake up in my bed with completely no recollection of who I am, where I come from, who I used to be, who I love... So maybe that explains my strange eagerness to write down the day's events faithfully now, now when I still have my memories, both good and bad. I can't imagine the emptiness of not knowing anything about yourself. It'll be too painful. But I suppose that when I ever reach that stage, I'll be too far gone to even care. That's what's eating into me. That I won't even care that I don't know who I am anymore.
Anyways. Read Khin's blog... And realised that she's not gonna be in Singapore for long anymore. Never realised that her having to leave Singapore would be so soon. The realisation that I may not see her ever again next year just hit me full on in the face - like wham. That sucks... But I'm glad for her. We've both been thinking and talking about leaving Singapore for overseas - the United States, in Khin's case, and Britain or Canada for me - as soon as possible 'cause we both agree that the education here is nothing but propaganda, brain washing, and having to do what the government thinks will help it achieve further economic growth in the future. I could go on and on about that, but I won't. 'Cause that isn't my point. We both applied for the UWC scholarship together... And both made it to the first round of interviews. But I screwed mine up, while she didn't, so now she's still in the running for the scholarship, while I'm stuck here in Singapore slowly mouldering away. Now her aunt's probably gonna bring her over to the US, while I'm still stranded with no way of getting out.
I know I shouldn't be saying all this about the education system here in Singapore - after all, it's taught me whatever I know right now, and it isn't totally useless. I know basic Chemistry; like esters are formed by the reaction of a carboxylic acid and an alcohol (I don't think I got that right, but it's fairly close enough); I know some Biology; the transpiration pull in plants is an essential suction force that brings water up the plant, and then more, but I shan't elaborate. I even know that the white on the Singapore flag stands for purity, and that in order to run for Presidency, you've gotta have a clean criminal record (ie, no criminal record), and that you've gotta be relatively rich (only rich enough to send me to a university in the UK). But all that aside, I just feel that I want to experience school life in another country before I'm too old to study. I want to see the world, corny as it sounds, and I want to embrace whatever experiences the world has in store for me. I can't do that if I'm stuck in Singapore, can I? It's more than the things I learn in school... It's about the country, the experiences, the people, the way things are taught... I gotta see how it's like in another country before settling down to work.
Carol's probably going to Canada to do her medical degree, and I can probably follow her there to do my post-graduate degree. And since she's Canadian, I'd probably be allowed to stay on with her, on the grounds that she's my sister and we're family. But what about before then? The only way to swing this my way is to get a scholarship overseas. A government scholarship, which means I'll be bonded to the government for some time after I complete my degree. Which also means I've gotta be an a) overchiever, b) extremely good at something, or c) freakishly smart. None of the descriptive words fit me. So what am I supposed to do? I could start by starting to study for my econs test. And maybe follow that up with some studying for Wednesday's history test.
Speaking of history... I'm contemplating switching it for math. It's probably premature to make any statements about how history is, but I think I may not like it much as time goes by. Sure, it's really interesting to read up about how and why the French Revolution actually started, and which idiots did what to start the Cold War. It's fine if you're reading because you're interested. It's one thing to read for leisure, but it's totally another to read under pressure. I'm interested, yes, but is it realistic of me to do both history and geography? Maybe I'd do well with this combination if I were slightly smarter and hardworking. But my brains feel like they've turned to complete mush this year, especially since I'm surrounded by a class of people who seem to know their work really really well. Like in class, everyone keeps asking the teachers intelligent questions that I would never have thought of myself in a million years. And the teacher goes like, "Hmmm... That's a very good question." Riigghht. So shoot me for being unable to think of good, thought-provoking questions. I can't do things at that pace, dammit. Am feeling quite frustrated about my lack of ability to keep up. Sighs.
Anyways. Econs is important to Dad - it's the ONLY subject he will not let me drop. Ironically, it's the subject I feel most like getting rid of to take math. But since it's so important to Dad, I'll just plough on at it. I have to do well. Maybe it'll make Dad happy again, like in old times? Maybe Mom will be happy too? Maybe I'll be able to see them both smile genuinely again - together? Maybe my doing well will get both their minds off their depression, even if it's only temporarily and for a very short while? Nothing lasts forever, anyway. It's a totally naive concept, hoping that my results will make my parents happy... Something that I only thought of when I was in primary school. It's so funny, how things have a way of coming back even when you never expect it to happen again. How things come a complete circle. Screw my doing well for tomorrow's test. I'd go to the moon to get things back to how they used to be again, but you're talking about me actually doing well in a test. I'd be more likely to have a sex-change operation in the next 24 hours and become a champion javelin thrower in this year's Olympics at Athens than to do well in tomorrow's test.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:27 PM
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Carol's hogging the computer at home again! Leaving me with no choice but to make use of my time up here while at my grandma's house for dinner to do whatever stuff I have. Still gotta find out some more info about those stupid joints. I'm starting to doubt that they even exist. Went to Kinokuniya after lunch with Charis, Cheryl, David, Krystle and Rainer to see if I could browse through any of the books in the geography section. Found plenty of books about rock identification and oceanography, but not a single book had anything about rock jointing. Then I made my way up the few floors to the Library@Orchard in hope that I'd somehow find something useful there. Zip. Nada. Absolutely zero information about stupid rock joints. WHY???? My geog tutorial's gonna look pretty damn sad.
Michelle Lee called me about ticketing for Night of Laughter today while at Sushi-Tei with Charis and company. She called at a pretty bad time 'cause I was choking on my food, trying hard to stifle my laughter at David's exaggerated reactions to my vague referrals to the cutlery and sauces. Like, when I needed the wet napkins, I'd ask him to pass me 'that green thing'. Naturally, I referred to it as 'that green thing', 'cause it was in a green packaging. What's wrong with that? And he obviously knew what I was talking about. But no, he, Rainer and Krystle had to act retarded about it and hand me ALL the green items on the table. So they passed me everything BUT the napkin - I had wasabi, a green-plate sushi, the chopstick wrappers, and even the decorative green leaf thing that comes on the sashimi. Now I know why Krystle and David are together - they share the common hobby of making me feel like an idiot.
So anyways. Michelle called again just before I went to cut my hair (ooh, I can't believe the lady cut it so short! *sniffles* I miss my longer hair.) And she told me about having to come up with the wordings for the Night of Laughter tickets by Tuesday, latest. Sighs. How am I supposed to do that while finding the time to study for the econs test and finish dressing up my Drama bears? And the stupid geog tutorial!!! Oh. Oh. OH!! I just remembered. I've still got Chinese homework. *sobs* Could someone book me a one-way ticket to a really isolated village somewhere on the Ivory Coast, please? I'll probably need it this time tomorrow.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
7:41 PM
It sucks having to live your life permanently on edge, never knowing when everything's gonna do a complete 180 degree change or an about-turn. For the past 15 years of my life, I was fairly comfortable, not having to worry about where my family's next meal was gonna come from, not having to worry how to obtain the money to pay exorbitant fees for school books and the miscellaneous things. But now, everyday, I find that I don't seem to have enough money for anything. I open my wallet, only to find it emptier than I last remembered. Take today, for example. I have absolutely no money for lunch with Charis and company. Sighs. Dare I ask Mom for some cash? I don't know. I really don't.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:51 AM
Cuboidal joints in rocks is such a headache. There's practically nothing on this wretched type of joints, except for a joint in our body known as the cuboidal joint, or something of the sort. Gee, whiz. It helped so much.
The bears I'm supposed to decorate for Drama is causing major problems for everyone. For me ('cause I'm stressed with the Monday dateline looming over my head), and for Dad ('cause he's gotta help me sew a respectable dress that'll fit the abnormally fat bear, which I would fine extremely cute under normal circumstances). Argh. Our first attempt to dress up one of the bears flopped pretty badly; my aim was to make the bear look like an adorable fairy-bear complete with wings and all - but it's so damn fat that I didn't have enough material to make a nice flared, frilly dress.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
12:19 AM
Saturday, February 07, 2004
*Too Lost in You//Sugababes
Finding a good, reliable image host isn't as easy as I thought it would be. It's been a week since my images haven't been loading... Argh. Frustrated. And all the work's starting to pile up. I really should be re-copying my notes out properly so I can read them (as my note-taking handwriting's completely illegible), but there's like this massive back-log of things I have to get through by the time this weekend draws to a close. Sighs. To add to my misery, there'll be two tests coming up next week - History and Economics. I'm supposed to be able to find the time to study for them on top of finishing the ridiculous pile of work waiting for me on my desk while somehow having to slot in my weekend church activities in between all that? Utter madness. Something's got to give, and I'm afraid that it might be my own sanity that flies out of the window.
Oh yeah. Dinner at BK on Thursday after Arts Night was fairly interesting. Yes, Laura. I know you've been itching to hear what I gotta say about everything. :) I must warn you, though, that you may be slightly disappointed, 'cause what I'm gonna say here may be what you already know. Anyways. It's been talked about by various classes across the entire Arts fac, and it's almost common knowledge that Jon likes Laura.
So, like, on Thursday, Laura, Shaun and I were having dinner with the senior class (which is Jon's class). Melanie came much later after debates. Initially, I was sitting opposite Shaun, next to Laura, who had Jon sitting beside her on her other side. Then the air-con over my head started dripping (bless the air-con!), which then forced me to move somewhere else. Dragging Shaun with me 'cause I didn't want to sit alone, only Caleb and Luke from the senior class were left with Laura and Jon. So like, Caleb comes over to join Shaun and I while Luke gets called over by his classmates 'cause they have something really "important" to tell him. By some bizarre twist of fate (and lots of intervention from us busybodies), Laura and Jon are left alone to talk. Well, this is the part that's gonna disappoint, 'cause while Laura thinks that Caleb told me stuff about Jon and her, he actually was talking about JC life in general. But it was pretty funny, how the three of us (later joined by Stella and Mel), kept peering over to see how the pair were getting along. I think the night ended well for them, though. Feels good to know that you've done something to help your friend's love life. Now, if only someone would help me with my own. :)
For all my big talk about being dateless for Valentine's Day this year, it actually bugs me. For the first time in my entire life, I'm slightly bummed out that I'm gonna remain dateless for Valentine's. And that's annoying me, 'cause I never felt like I wanted my Valentine's to be special before, and I don't see why this year should be any different. I used to just spend the day with my girl friends out eating or bumming around talking absolute crap... Why can't I do it this year too? Sighs. I don't know what I want anymore.
I talked to Trina this morning shortly after I got up. We were both saying how much we missed actually feeling "useful" in school. Like, for the past seven years of my life, I've always had some role to play in the classroom, or in the school. Chairperson, prefect, committee member, some leader or the other... I've always felt useful or wanted. Up until this year. It feels weird, standing in the background and being a mere participator. I've always been doing some form of planning or the other. But now, I'm particiapating in what others have planned. On one hand, it's good 'cause I can breath more easily without having extra pressure on me. On the other hand, I hate it, 'cause I feel that planning the event actually makes you more attached to it, and you appreciate the success of it more than if you were part of the mass audience. Sighs. But I don't know if I can rise up to the challenge of having to start totally from scratch again. No past reputations or credentials to fall back on... Just you, and how you present yourself. It's scary how starting from the absolute beginning really is. Frightening, how much work you have to put in to climb back up to the position where you once were extremely comfortable in. Argh. I wish I still had the prospect of having to spend my last year in IJ to look forward to. When everything seemed so rosy, when the grass seemed much greener in JC pastures. How wrong I was.
Oh yeah. If you're reading this, Khin, expect my letter to arrive in your mail sometime next week. I'd actually written it on the day Leon passed me your note, but I was too lazy to post it. Will do it later, when I get round to uprooting myself from my cushions and taking that slow, long walk down to the post-box. :) In case the letter gets lost in the treacherous, long journey that all letters have to partake to reach its intended recipient, just know that the essential message of it was that I miss you too. I miss the friends in IJ now scattered all over the place, I miss Prefects and Council, I even miss Math, believe it or not. I miss you and your attempts to wreck my kitchen and oven, in particular, lolling around on the deckchairs by the pool with the intention of getting a nice bronze tan on a cloudy day, and your uncanny ability to know when I'm feeling depressed. Sighs. Let me know when you get my letter, yeah?
heard
those magic reindeer click @
1:16 PM
Friday, February 06, 2004
Am in econs tutorial now... Freaking boring. Supposed to be looking up some stuff about the economic history of Singapore. But I can do that at home, can't I?? Sighs. Yes. So I shall be bad and divert my attention away from unimportant things like economics .
Dad's got an interview today!!! Feel so excited for him too. Hope it turned out well. Am also supposed to put something up here for Khin, but will do that when I'm in the comfort of my own nice little chair. Sighs. I missed her and Trina so much when I got her little note from Leon. Made me think about secondary school life and the comfort zone I was stuck in for such a long time. Prefects... Council... The eight subjects I was so used to... Do I miss that life? Or do I miss my friends? I think it's a combination of both.
So many things have happened since I last blogged that it amazes me how much things can change within the span of less than a hundred hours or so. Some things I didn't mean to let out, but they just slipped out. The size of my mouth also never ceases to amaze me. Do people actually start full-scale wars because of a mere slip of the tongue? I think I could try starting one.
Argh. I've got French later. Don't want to make my way down to Newton on the MRT all by my lonesome self. And eat dinner all by my sad self. Maybe I should just go home and sleep my Friday night away? Haha... Sighs. Mom would kill me if I did. I'd never hear the end of blowing three hundred bucks on something I never did find a use for.
Oh my god, I have so much to blab regarding last night's dinner with the seniors! Pity I can't do it right here and now. Don't wanna start and find myself having to stop. Argh. Gotta stop now. She's realising I'm not listening.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
3:56 PM
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
I'm a complete and absolute idiot. How could I do such a stupid thing? I don't think of the consequences before I do anything. I don't stop and think before jumping off a clifff into the stormy sea below, "What'll happen if I launch myself off this hard, solid rock? Will I land up cracking my skull because the sea below is actually an illusion? Will I get swept off in the strong currents and land up drowning? Or will the sea serve as a cushion to my fall, saving me from killing myself?"
I laughed at them in their faces when they suggested such a thing to me. I thought that I'd never be idiotic enough, never be weak enough, never be like the rest of them all. Yet here I am, the worst off among the entire lot.
I've fallen deeper than anyone else.
I'm too lost to find my way out.
I can't leave anymore.
I'm not sure I even want to.
*
I'm here just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart is just the same
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say I do
Give everything to you
But I can never now be true
So I say...
I think I'd better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I'd better leave right now
heard
those magic reindeer click @
3:50 PM
*Secret Garden//Bruce Springsteen
Has there ever been a case in history whereby laziness caused the downfall of men - or perhaps caused men to lose major wars? I won't be surprised if it ever did happen this way, just look at me today. All I wanna do is to sleep.
Today's a glorious Tuesday, with nary a threatening dark cloud in the pale blue sky. Yet, I, being too darn lazy to drag my dratted butt out of my comfy bed this morning, find myself lolling about at home while my friends suffer - or enjoy, for some - the dreariness of day to day life in the classroom. I'm gonna regret doing this later tonight, when I realise that I'm gonna need an MC to haul myself out of trouble with Ms Yim tomorrow morning. Or will she even ask? Hope she doesn't. Shall just be as inconspicuous as possible and melt into the walls whenever I can.
Sighs. I'm so tired of JC life already. It seems a little premature to be saying this, but I really am so sick of all this - endless sheaves of History notes to plough through, blisters popping up on my fingers like mushrooms coming out after a sprinkle of showers as a result of non-stop writing of tutorials and such... And the stupid PE lessons!!! I hate it so much. I, being the most un-fit individual that exists in ACJC, suffer every single PE period. The last single period PE I had, I gave up trying to catch up with the rest of the people during the mass run thing and just ran at my own sweet pace. As a result of my total inability to run, I resorted to taking up the teachers' threats of being made to run the whole PE lesson. It was decidedly better than pushing myself until I felt like dying just so I could do sit-ups, push-ups and squats with every one else. Sighs. I wish some one would realise one fine day that there are some people in the world (namely me) that cannot run no matter how hard one tries. Until that day, I will continue to dread every Tuesday's PE.
Hope and expectations are scary concepts. Especially when you find them dashed at the end of the day... Only to leave you feeling broken and totally drained. Never hope for anything unless you're a hundred percent sure it's gonna come true. Even if you're almost convinced, don't. Because that's when it'll hurt the most. I'm going through a depressing patch right now... And have no idea how to get out of it. 6 months ago, when my hopes were high that Dad would find a job soon again... Well, 6 months on, and we're still standing where we started. There's even talk of selling the car. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. That's the worst part; I cannot work now to help Mom with the bills and such. I want to so badly, but there's no way any one's gonna let me quit school now just to work. All of a sudden, I feel so... Useless. Useless and utterly helpless. Like I'm just part of the audience in the theatre watching a drama unfolding, watching my own life spiral out of my control and into a dark abyss, where I cannot see and cannot go. It's sad how I've been reduced to this, sad how the entire structure of my life as I knew it has turned into this mess.
Self pity is despicable, girl. Stop it.
I wish I could. I really do.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
2:09 PM
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