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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
8-inch-stack of geog notes.
3-inch-stack of econs notes.
1 Othello piece of crap with a million and one important quotes.
4 e4 books to highlight + read.
4 more days before exams begin.
AHHHHHHHH!!!!
I am SO bloody dead. I swear.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:55 PM
Monday, September 27, 2004
Yay!!
I've got into the study momentum I think. Finally. I stayed up until 12plus last night to finish up econs P&C notes and went to bed feeling slightly accomplished. Did the China case study for internal migration during math and econs lect and read the UK and US case studies on the way home. :)
Really shouldn't be blogging now actually. I shouldn't be stepping anywhere near this computer for the next 2weeks actually. Shoo. Scram. Scat.
And Dree, it's bovine. As in bovine. You know, cow-like and stoic and dumb and BLAHHHH. Yep. Hahah. Another week of school, then it's exam week, the next weekend, two more days of exams, and it's OVER!! Whooo.
OH. And the proper usage of the term "Tom, Dick and Harry" can be found in a previous post of mine I believe. Some people say the funniest things, I swear. It all comes out damn wrong. Okay, so it's not like I'm an expert in the proper usage of words or anything like that. ButBUT. I believe I know how to use this particular one. And it's SO NOT what I heard today okaaayyy. Hahah.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:34 PM
Friday, September 24, 2004
Why I cry
Tell me why you cry, little girl
Your tear-stained face upturned
to stars in the night
Teardrops rolling off your eyelash curl
As you pray for help with all your might
Tell me why you cry, please do
For someone knows
though you smile when bright
But alone at night, the sky a dark hue
Tears falling, under the covers pulled up tight
Tell me why you cry, won't you?
It's distressing
to see you have to fight
Your sadness, grief, regret and rue
You never know - someone may make things right
***
I'll tell you why I cry dear stranger
I'll share with you
the reasons for my tears
Just promise me that you won't snigger
At my story, my upset and my fears
Well, have you ever been hurt so bad
You feel you've been
completely destroyed
You start out by feeling really sad
Yet some hope remains in the sea, still buoyed
As time goes by, patience wearing thin
And stranger-
you'll start to wonder
Dark thoughts begin to wander within
Eating into your mind and yonder
Anger at everything, at how you've been robbed
And all you want to do is forget
completely
Until one day when thinking as you sob
You realise that it's all your fault - entirely
So now you see why I cry, dear person
Why I simply cannot let go
'cause my heart says one thing
and so does my reason
That the fault is mine and mine alone
***
But little girl, things will get better - you'll see
Take this from someone who knows exactly why
Dear person, you never knew this, but actually
All I really want is you
That's why I cry
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:34 PM
Dree has pointed out to me a million and one times that blogging is quite unnecesary - you treat your blog as your diary, fine, but it's only up on the web for about the whole world to read, so who can stop anyone from reading any one person's blog? You're just inviting unwanted attention by typing in all your innermost thoughts (okay, so NOT QUITE!). So why do we create so much trouble for ourselves by telling people what we think or feel or want in our blogs? Plus, the tag-board's just up there INVITING any Tom, Dick or Harry to comment about your life. Hmmm. So why do I still continue to blog? I don't knowww.
Exams in a week's time. Gonna go study now. A week seems like an awfully short time to finish up a 3-inch pile of geog notes. And that's only the human geog pile okay. Grrrr.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:07 PM
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
I'm damn deeeaadd! Phy geog test tomorrow and... I've still got about 70pages plus plus of notes to sift through. Cabbed home today and gosh, I'd better pass my geog test tomorrow maann. 13bucks isn't exactly spare change for me okay. Sigh.
Forgot to bring my handphone today. Felt so weird the whole day. Realised how reliant we've all grown to be on our phones when I felt like I'd left something devastatingly important at home. On the flip side, leaving my phone at home has kept me from messaging all throughout the day! Which is good, since I'm trying hard to keep within my free messages for this month.
Promos in about a week-and-a-half's time. I'm just stating that in a matter-of-fact kind of way 'cause... It's a fact. And the only thing I can do right now is study. Which is a fact too, by the way. It's so simple isn't it. Just study for the next week or so and it'll all be over. Whether I get promoted or retained will also be determined by how hard I work this next week. But is it too late though? I'm afraid of the answer.
Okay, back to my physical geog nowww. Hope hope hope that I won't have to pull another late night stunt tonight. One of these lousy late-nights a week is more than enough for me to last me the entire year. Imagine me sitting at my table with stupid stupid coast notes in front of me tonight at 4am. Blahhhhh. NO thankYOU. Grasping at nothing, again. You will never care, but I (stupidly) will not and cannot let go.
Atomic Kitten. Whole Again. It's blaring on the radio now.
If you see me walking down the street
Staring at the sky, and dragging my two feet
You just pass me by
It still makes me cry
You can make me whole again
Looking back on when we first met
I cannot escape and I cannot forget
Baby you're the one
You still turn me on
You can make me whole again.
Time is laying heavy on my heart
Seems I've got too much of it
Since we've been apart
My friends make me smile
If only for a while
You can make me whole again.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
2:29 PM
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Pw does nothing but make people pissed off like hell.
I quote from moe's website:
(Pw should be introduced in order to) "Give greater focus to knowledge skills, especially thinking and communication skills."
The only communication skill I've learnt is how to talk really quickly when I'm damn angry over some pw nonsense or the other and to explain my problem with pw in succinct sentences. So that I don't waste more time then necessary brooding over stupid STUPID pw. What a joke.
I've been sitting in front of the computer since 3pm this afternoon and I'm gonna be sitting here until I finish the whole damn report. And. I forsee myself staying up till 2am or later tonight. My mom and dad were pissing me off today and I think it's mostly pw's fault 'cause I'm not ordinarily so short-fused.
Khin messaged me this afternoon and I was reeeaallly glad to hear from her. I haven't heard from her in the longest time ever and my tagboard ALWAYS won't let me post stuff to her.. So woman, I'll just say what I wanted to say here. I tried tagging AT LEAST 10 times okay, and I'm so not exaggerating. Gosh. Khin woman! You know there's this picture of us both looking damn diiiirrrttyy and icky and grimy in your photo album? I wanted to know when we took it 'cause I don't remember taking it!! Hahah. :)
Okay, I'm going to grab a quick shower and my dinner before returning to do pw. Some things are just nuisances. LIKE, pw. Eeeewww.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
7:03 PM
Omg, this is daaaaaammmmnn annoying. I've finally got into the momentum of working my ass off for pw, getting some research pieces printed out so I can cite properly in the written report.
When. I find out that the bloody printer has no ink.
Grrrrrrrr. The printer just has to decide to die on me now right?! Stupid thing. Conking out at the wrong time. Looking at the brighter side of things, it's good that I've found out that the stupid thing ran out of ink tonight so I can get dad to refill the ink for me tomorrow before I wanna print out the final report. I tell you. If I'd found out that the printer has no more ink just when I'm printing out my report. I will SHRIEK.
Went to Tri's place for dinner just now. We called in McDonald's and I brought my pw stuff to do while she studied. I think I was rather much of a baaaadd distraction though, sorry Tri! We kept talking about the random-est things, it was reaaaally quite all over the place. Ate a fillet-o-fish and a McFlurry. McFlurrys HAVE HAVE to be quitequite frozen and hard while you eat it. The one I ate today was anything but that, and it was really quite gross okay. But I still ate almost everything anyway. Oh, and the ice-cream started bubbling after I'd stopped eating, so maybe I've eaten something bad. Bubbling food is never good. I kept eating and eating the whole day, I feel damn damn fat now. Blahhhh. Okay, I don't really care. I hardly eat till I feel fat, so one or two days of indulging myself won't hurt. I hope.
Took quite a few pictures with Tri today. Here's one which I found quite funny 'cause we both looked just a little toooooo happy for two people who are supposed to be damn stressed over work and exams and keep bitching on and on about it. Especially since we were just complaining about how everything basically sucks big time just before we took this photo. Hahah. :)
And... Here's the awful mess I'm surrounded by as I sit in front of the computer and try to get some pw done.
Actually, I'm just making full use of the infrared port which Kor lent me this morning. (By so ingeniously dropping it into my letterbox.) I still think every computer should have one, so I think I'll start by talking about how so very useful I think an infrared thing is and maybe dad'lll slowly get persuaded to buy one for our computer. Haha. It's getting a little late now. Okay. It's off to bed for me. Still gotta get up early tomorrow morning to follow Tri and her mom to church (since I refused to go for the super long service with my parents tonight). I like going to church on Sunday mornings. I just get the feeling that I'm starting off my Sunday on the right foot. :)
heard
those magic reindeer click @
1:24 AM
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Doing pw now, and the prospect of being stuck on the computer for the rest of the night doing pw makes me want to puke. I just re-did the survey results and I gotta do the lit review bit and cross my fingers and hope everyone else comes up with their parts by tomorrow. Hmmm. I hope it rains soon. I like the rain when I'm at safe and warm at home. I'm getting incredibly restless. Like I ought not to be doing stuff that wastes preciousprecious time and I should do things when I can and not procrastinate.
On a lighter note, I'm glad that I've finally got round to working on that annoying pw. Geog test's been postponed to Tuesday, so that's one more day for me to study. Looking at the glass and seeing it as half full rather than half empty does make things seem much better, but there are times when it's impossible to be anything but sad.
If only you knew what I'd do for you.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
3:38 PM
Friday, September 17, 2004
This is getting damn repetitive. Today was a bad day. I'm sad. I'm miserable. I hate my life. Sheesh. I'm getting stuck in a rut.
But today seriously sucked big time okay. Not only was I moody and depressed and blahhh, I was damn bloody PISSED on top of all that. To put it in simple terms, I was both sad and angry. Which doesn't really make for a good combination. Spent about an hour just now on the phone with Trina just being extremely bitchy and whiny and OMG, I would have hated to be talking to myself then. Thanks Tri, for putting up with my foul mood. I wish you were here in ac with me. Then I wouldn't feel so alone sometimes. Sighh. Today sucked partly 'cause of pw. The stupid final draft's due on Monday, and we haven't even started editing our returned first draft yet. I am SO DEAD. And. I have a geog test on Monday. Just tell me HOW???? Waillll. I'm reeeeaaalllyy upset.
I think I'm gonna get a new blog soon. Maybe after all this shit's over. This one's got too many memories for my liking. Too many happy memories that I stupidly didn't cherish enough when everything was just rosy. I wish I could just reach into my mind and chuck out all those happy memories 'cause they just seem to be mocking me in my depression now. I don't WANT to remember anymore. I want to have a severe concussion or anything that'll wipe my memory out and let me live properly again. Gosh, I do sound like I'm totally off my rocker or something. But truth is I'm in such a messed up state now that I feel that I'm slowly losing it. Maybe it's just today. Maybe it'll all be better when Monday comes and goes and both pw and geog are out of my face. Grrrrr. Too many maybes for my liking.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:15 PM
It's recess period now and I'm in the library trying to get some pw done.
Isn't there something severelyseverely wroooonnngg with the whole picture??????
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:14 AM
Thursday, September 16, 2004
I'm in the school library now. Omg. I hatehatehate HATE pw so much. I'm in a terrible mood even though it's after school now. Which says quite a lot 'cause I'm usually enjoy my time after school. I'm a firm believer in having fun after school hours. But I'm having trouble adhering to my own rules these days.
And the library's phenomenally packed today. Exam and pw fever's seeping into everyone. I'm exceptionally grumpy today. Which is bad.
I keep doing the stupidest things. I filled in the form to run for arts council. Thinking that all I'd have to do would be to fill in the form. Fill in the form, as in just write some stuff. But NOOOOOOOOOOO. There was supposed to be an interview today for those people running for president. I don't really wanna go into the details 'cause I was soSO annoyed with the whole interview business just now. So I told Jinsheng that I didn't wanna run for pres anymore. Thinking that hey, I won't have to be interviewed! But grrrrr. To my horror, I find out that there may be an interview tomorrow for the rest of the people running for arts council anywayyyyy. Which means there's no way I can run away from having to speak to two people who wanna judge me based on how I present myself in such an intimidating scenario. Gosh. Some things, you just can't run away from, I find. After going through the council interview and coming out in a terrible state 'cause I was absolutely petrified, then finding out that I'd made it through the interview, THEN finding out that I'd have to go on stage to say something and deciding to pull out then was HEARTBREAKING. I regretted it like hell and I'm still kicking myself over my idiocy every night. I was determined never to make spur of the moment decisions ever again 'cause they just cause you endless grief. Then just now, I had a fleeting thought of pulling out of running for arts council totally just so I wouldn't have to be interviewed... And I reminded myself not to be a complete ass.
I'm terribly terribly annoyed with myself for being such a lousy public speaker. For making myself appear totally brainless in interviews. For being so SCARED of every single damn thing. Grrrr. What's. WRONG with me??? Why can't I just be content living life as just another ordinary person. Why do I put myself through the self-inflicted torture of being intimidated out of my wits during interviews and such for leadership roles. If I'm so freaking terrified of all that, then maybe I'm not cut out for roles that need me to step up and out? So. Why do I even try so hard??? I'm starting to get damn pissed. Reeeeaaaallllyy.
All right. Pw. Pw. Pw. Back to pw. Shan't get worked up. Shan't get too upset. Shan't start pms-ing on myself and start being a bitch to everyone around me. Shan't beat myself up for something that's already been over and done with. Shan't keep asking myself questions that I CANNOT ANSWER. Shan't look like I'm ready to bite someone's head off. Shan't blog anymore.
Shan't SHAN't cry, dammit.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:13 PM
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Short short post today. I wanna sleep early tonight.
I need sleep. Crawled into bed at 1am last night after struggling to finish up the annoying human geog essay which I just couldn't seem to finish. I remember that I'd started working on it sometime during the holidays. But what's it still doing left undone last night when I ought to have finished it ages ago? That's what I was asking myself. I stayed up till 1am and managed to finish part b, which took SO damn long to do. I got so fed-up that I decided to stuff part c and go to bed. Did part c during first period free block today (what used to be Math lect).
I think today was a half happy half sad day. I remember laughing a lot throughout the day though I can't remember half of my reasons for being so tickled in the first place. But as I walked back home from the bus stop, I felt strangely... Uneasy. Not depressed, but just not quite right. Like everything really OUGHT to be okay, but there's just something that's spoiling everything, something really small. Like in one of those Spot the Differences pictures, where some of the discrepancies between the two pictures are really damn difficult to find. Only for me, I think I knew why I felt a little upset though I didn't really know what I wanted. Maybe it was the rainy wet weather that put me in that slightly saddish mood this evening.
Went for the college bowl thing today. We had a bit of trouble trying to figure out whether to go for it or not, but it turned out to be preeeetttyy fun in the end I think. :) Even though I think I embarrassed myself 'cause half the balls I rolled just drifted lazily into the gutter. And 'cause we ended up bowling next to some school team bowlers. Ian and this other girl I think. They had their own nice shiny balls and shoes too! Gosh, it was really quite embarrassing. My average was sooooo pathetic. I don't know what went wrong for me today, 'cause the last time I bowled with Trina, I wasn't so lousy. Oh well. And Christina was the star bowler in our team! She bowled a game of 160ish or something. That's like my 2 or 3 games added up all together okay. Sheesh. Butbut. I think I managed a few strikes and spares! We all did, actually. Oh, and I found out that 3 strikes in a row make a turkey. Thanks to Christina! Haha.
Dree and Chels my pals were seriously damn funny during the bowling thing today. Omg, I could have died laughing!! Hahahaah. And Dree said that she can see her reputation just going down the drain. But thanks my pals, for all the stuff you did today!! I must admit that you guys are good maannnn. At doing some stuff which I totally SUCK in. I think I would make a crappy PI. I can't tail a person 'cause he/she may run too fast for me to catch up, I can't take decent photos without the target being the only thing not in the picture, and I can't not laugh and be not obvious. Haha!
And I remember something else about my day too. All this is just floating into my head in bits and pieces. It's all so random. Laoshi forgot about his chinese class today! Haha!
Okaaaayyyy. I'm off to do my econs essay outlines. I'm determined not to get retained. Yay. Focus!
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:40 PM
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Ah ah AHHH! There're so many things I gotta do tonight/by this week that I don't know where to start. :( I'll go list them out in a while on a super bright post-it so I can stick it on my desk where I can see it clearly. And so I'll be reminded of all the STUFF I gotta do before I'm tempted away by the tv or the phone.
Oh, and shoots, I forgot to return Trina's call. Grrrr.
I've got about a million and one things to do and I seriously need to prioritize maannn. Or I'll be dead, what with stupidstupid pw written report due next Monday, physical geog test on either Friday or Monday, and promos coming up far too quickly for my liking. I don't get it: why's our written report due next week when practically every other jc in Singapore's letting their students have 'till after the promos to hand it in? And gosh, I haven't even started on revision proper. Aaaahhhhh! Waaaaiiilll.
What do I do know? Oh help.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:34 PM
Monday, September 13, 2004
I'm having terrible cramps. I feel absolutely blahhhh. Extremely nauseous and bloated and oooohh, the pain! The pool side cafe's closed today, the fridge's empty and I'm going to starve to death. And oh, the gross pain's the worse of them all. It just takes the cake. I haven't had cramps like this for the last two months so I was starting to forget how horribly I detest being a girl sometimes. But today. Was a good reminder. And I wish I weren't female. I didn't ask to be able to have kids 'cause, hey, I'm not intending to have any in the first place. Heck, I may not even want to get married, so who's talking about having kids? And I sure as hell didn't ask for the pain and extreeeme discomfort. Arggghh.
But then again, there're some days when I thank my lucky stars and kiss them a million times each that I was born a girl! Just two words: pretty clothes. :) Oh, and another two words for you: no NS.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
2:53 PM
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Oh my. That was a damn long post! For my standards, that is. But I feel slightly better now, though I feel like I could just go on and on and on about how I feel about certain things. Ohhhh. Better not. I got off the phone with Trina a while ago and I felt slightly comforted (though that was BEFORE my rambly blog entry below) 'cause it made me remember about how safe I felt last year with my deardear ij friends. Khin, where are you?? Oh, that's a silly question. I KNOW exactly where you are, but there's so much I need to talk to you about now that it just seems like I don't know where you are anymore. I'm in need for one of those conversations we used to have about the strange actions of people and how screwy the world is and ohhhh. I'm pms-ed.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
2:06 PM
Gosh. The whole of yesterday gone just like that. Spent the whole day out. And I don't feel like doing anything now. Badbad.
Went for econs yesterday morning first. I think I'm quite dead for econs 'cause like, (ms) tancc got me to go up to the board to draw some diagram thing. The demand and supply curves for a firm and industry in perfect competition I think. Anyway. When she called me to go up to the board to draw it, what she wanted me to draw sounded vaguely familiar, like I KNEW what she wanted and KNEW how to draw it. But when I held the marker in my hand, I just.. Forgot everything. Every single bloody thing. I was getting quite annoyed with myself 'cause I'd seen and drawn the diagram for myself a million times before already. Oh dear.
Lunch at Suki with Nartz, Pedro, Maria, Cheryl and Chels later. Cheryl, Chels and I had a-la-carte. Ate 3 softshell crab handrolls and felt prettyy good about it later. Chels left to meet her friend earlier, leaving Cheryl and I to talk over lunch. I.. Got prettyyy worked up over what we talked about. Not AT Cheryl, but our topic of conversation. I seriously DISLIKE. Really truly. I felt quite sad after that. And I just canNOT comprehend how the minds of some people work. How they can seem to treat you so nicely, smiles and all.. (Note the word: seem.) Note they And oh, I shan't say anymore. No point in getting so worked up, really. I guess.. The world's just quite a messed up place, and some people just puzzle the hell out of me with what they say and what they think and oh, here I go again. :(
Before I really lose it and start ranting about what's been pissing me off for the longest time ever, I'll just run through the rest of my day quickly enough. Left Suki soon after, headed to Taka to shop for Dree's present. Walked into Mango and Zara and a dozen other shops, but couldn't find anything. Cheryl and I finally found something nice at Accessorize. It was ABOUT TIME too. I swear, my feet were just dying. And my shoulders and arms and just about every part of my body as well. We went over to Topshop. I saw a few prettyyy skirts that I liked. :) Gotta start saving from scratch again, after blowing my entire savings account yesterday present-shopping. Met Kor at the Chinese High bus-stop at 7.15pm and took the damn long walk across the bridge and round the entire perimeter of the school before we got to Nanyang. Gosh. It took a whole 15minutes just to get from the bus-stop across the road to the Nanyang school gate. Carol called to tell me to get our complimentary tickets from Denise. I'd forgotten how Denise looked like, so had to get some help there. Got help from one of Carol's friends, who identified herself by saying "Hey, you're Carol's sister! She wants you to donate!" And I got a box shoved under my nose and got robbed of two bucks in the process. Hahahah. The production itself was prettyyy good! I think I'm gonna re-read Amy Tan's The Bonesetter's Daughter. I didn't understand most of the second act 'cause it was totally in CHINESE. Eeek. :/ So gotta go read the book again (which is completely in English, thankgoodness) to find out what happened in between Ruth's mother going senile and putting stuff in the fridge and Art proposing to Ruth. The part in China. Ohh, and we had a lousy audience last night. They laughed at all the wrong times. This scene where Ruth was supposed to be mad at LuLing? And another scene where Ruth was damn upset by LuLing's injury? Well, the audience found it hilarious and started laughing. Sheeesh. I felt so bad for the actress playing Ruth, 'cause it was clearly not meant to be a funny scene. Thankgoodness there was someone else among the laughing people who had any decency. Someone got the rest to shutup with a mighty SHHHHHHH. :) Went out for supper after that with mom and dad and Kor and Carol (oh, and that makes everyone). Had a nice steaming plate of fried kway teow and sweeeeettt iced milo. The iced milo in coffee shops are damn sweet. ALOT of condensed milk, I think.
So anyways. Yesterday was a nice enough day. But as I went to bed, the last thing on my mind was my conversation with Cheryl at Suki. And though I didn't show any outward signs of annoyance, I was actually quite disturbed by it all. Sighhh. I guess I'm the kind of person who'd really rather avoid confrontations and all that and... You know, basically peace-loving and prettyyy mild in general.
I used to worry about the mean things that other people could say behind my back, 'cause I used to feel completely destroyed whenever I found out that someone somewhere out there thought that I was less than perfect. I still feel a little uneasy when I think that someone who I consider a friend may actually tell the rest of the world that I'm NOT her friend, though I think I am, but she actually truly hates me and cannot stand me. But stepping out of ij has made me realise that not everyone in the world will be my friend, not everyone will necessarily like me. In fact, some people may hate me, and I shouldn't lose any sleep over that. Realising that has made me appreciate those people who I KNOW won't say straaaannge stuff about me without my knowing it, and oh, thankyou Trina and Khin and my darling Pals for letting me feel safe and secure with you guys without having to worry about ever feeling betrayed.
I don't know why I suddenly felt sentimental. I'm actually biting my lip now to stop myself from continuing to rant, not that it'll help, 'cause I'm not really talking now but am typing. But my biting my lip just reminds me to get hold of myself before I say stuff I'll regret later. I recognise that some people aren't actually mean MEAN, but I don't know... Their actions just say otherwise. Like how you just know that someone's basically a nice, decent person inside, but the next minute, his/her actions just seem to scream the exact opposite and you start to wonder if your initial judgement was completely warped or whether that person's gone temporarily insane. Or how you think that the person's plain nice all round when you suddenly realise that other people around you don't really think so and they start telling you stuff about him/her. Bad stuff.
And there's this other thing called the herd mentality that Khin (I think) was telling me about last year. She used to read these psychology books that explained weird human behaviour. Believe me when I describe human behaviour as weird, 'cause I truly think that a large majority of human actions are inexplicable and veryvery hard to comprehend. And my prefect days also had shown me how some people tended to behave in the same way that the friends in their group did. I remember how we had one of those learn-to-love-yourself talks last year after our prelims, and one speaker said something that I found particularly funny in a twisted way.
"A person's true beautiful side only shows when she's in a large group of friends. Yes, as a single person, she's pretty, but in a group, she truly shines."
Or some complete nonsense along those lines. I might have thought that the guy was - wow-wee, a genius!! - last time. But looking back on those words, I think the school might as well have poured the money they spent hiring him down the drain. Like, HUH?!?! The man's telling us that we have to be among a group of people to truly shine and blahhh, and that we're not good enough to stand by ourselves, and we're paying the man good money for that? Hello, what happened to the learn-to-love-yourself talk? That sounded more like learn-to-love-yourself-'cause-you're-damn-good-BUTBUT-only-among-other-people-'cause-you're-not-good-enough-by-your-lonesome-self.
In fact. I've seen how someone can be really nice alone, but put her in a group of friends and she's like someone totally different - bad different, that is - 'cause she's no longer nice and all she tries to do is to be someone she thinks her friends will like. Okayyyy, so that may have sounded more than a little harsh, but I call it as I see it. So shoot me for observing and having a mind of my own. I know exactly who I am and who I want others to see me as, and I feel quite perfectly comfortable in my own skin (contrary to your straaaannggee warped beliefs), thank you veryvery much.
So after years and years of quiet, innoculous observation from my little corner in the world I've concluded that, no, I don't need to be Little Miss Popular, and no thanks, I don't need to be cooler than everyone else. Oh, and it's all right, I don't need to have more friends than there are stars in the sky, and sheesh, for the last time!! - I don't need that patronising tone you adopt when you speak to me! So take your hypocrisy along with you as you go, why don't you, and ooohhhh, how'd you like repeating what rather hurtful things you always say about my friends and me behind our backs to my face? (So I may burst into tears at that or may end up feeling utterly destroyed for weeks on end after that, but we'll take the risk, eh?) And oh, while we're at it, perhaps you'd consider enrolling yourself for a workshop pronto. I'll sponsor you, but don't be disappointed 'cause it ain't for your looks honey. So maybe you'd be surprised to find out that, hey!!, there's more to life than what's on the surface anyway!!! And maybe just maybe, you'll finally learn that everyone has feelings, yeah, you know those things that you think every other walking and breathing person on this earth doesn't have except yourself? - and that you've been hurting those whatsits? - oh, feelings, yeah, that's it.
Open up your eyes, take off those rose-tinted glasses and you may just find out that oh, the tragedy of it all!!! - not everyone wants to be a carbon copy of you after all. Wake up. So maybe I don't look and act and talk like you. And that. Is quite positively all right. You love you just the way you are, and I sure love me for the way I am, so we'll just keep it as that eh? No one needs to say anything else, and the world would be a muchmuch nicer place to live in, I'd like to think.
And that concludes my rant after manymany years of observing different people's behaviour. So not everyone agrees with what I just said, and I've grown to accept the fact that a large majority of the world won't love me to bits, but hey, a girl's entitled to her own thoughts and ideals. And though I acknowledge the fact that there ARE some not-so-nice things going on in the world and that life off that nice pink fluffy cloud's much less that perfect, I can't change anything. This post isn't so much about "backstabbing" (as someone pointed out not-too-subtly) as it is about how a large majority of everyone thinks too much about everyone else's wishes and wants and assumes that all he/she wants to do is to be someone else they're not. It's quite paradoxical, 'cause I'm doing precisely that now - thinking about how some people assume that. I'm starting to get a headache.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
1:44 PM
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Would you believe it? I want to go blogskin viewing again. Butbut. I shan't. I'll work my own html code out after the exams. Restraint maannn.
Spent the afternoon reading my red Sloman book in a last-ditch desperate attempt to scrape a pass for my promos in three weeks. Don't know how I'm gonna survive promos. Really. Oh-well. I'll start worrying about it when the day comes nearer. Oh, and the school admin must be planning to get my fingers to drop off one of the exam days. Full gp and chinese papers on the same day should be declared officially illegal and banned. Omg. Two three-hour papers on the same day makes 6 solid hours of writing. They. Have zerosense of compassion okayyy. Hmpphh.
My plans to catch a catnap this afternoon were completely ruined when mom called back to remind me to dump the clothes in the wash. I spent 15minutes standing in front of the machine trying to remember what dad taught me last week about working the washing machine without spoiling it, and spent another 5minutes trying to remember the right number of spoons of detergent to pour in. I feel quite domesticated, suddenly. After successfully setting the machine off to spin, I felt inspired to clean out the bird cage and let the birds try japanese rice too. I still remember how my mynah died from the sticky japanese rice that got stuck in its throat two years back, but I made sure that the rice I put in today wasn't cooked. And. Kimmy and her playmates keep trooping in and out of the garden. Making a lot of noise and often forgetting to lock the gate behind them. I think they're looking for Socks again.
What shall I do now? I think I'll go back to my Sloman. Ohhhhh!! There's Singapore Idol tonightttt! :) I hope tonight's group will be better than last week's. It was quite disappointing, 'cause (mr) lynn kept reminding the geog-ers to vote for his favourite student, Nathaniel Ho, and he - Nathaniel - was suchhhhh a let down mannn! Ken Lim said that he looked like the Singapore Idol but sounded like the loser of a karaoke competition. Ouch. I didn't think he looked THAT good in the first place anyway. But Christopher Michael Lee was quite cute, in a little boy wayy! I heard that he and Daphne Khoo are together or something. Gosh. What's this?? I'm so off-tangent now. Haha.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
6:23 PM
Dad's taken my Panasonic phone to the repair place this morning. Which means I'm stuck with my too-pink too-big Nokia that's practically antique. The one that Pedro rushed to take a photo of when he saw it on the lecture table 'cause he said it was so old that you never get to see it around anymore. Hahahaahh. It's the third time in as many months that the Panasonic's been to the repair place. I think I'll trade it in once the one-year-warranty's up 'cause after that, I'll have to pay to get the thing repaired, and dad'll get doubly pissed 'cause not only does he have to take time off to send the thing down, he'll have to fork out money too. So yeeeeeesss. Although dad threatened to make me use the too-pink too-big Nokia for one whole year before letting me get a new phone. Butbut. We'll seeeeee. Maybe I can persuade him otherwise when he's one of his reeeaaalllyy good moods. :)
Hmmm. Shall try to finish up (ms) leow's human geog tutorial today and econs tys for (ms) tancc's class tomorrow morning. I felt pretty productive last night. Half a human geog lecture and one-third of an econs chapter is prrreeeettttyy damn alot okay. Haha. I'll try to do more today, though. I did all that in the last half an hour before I went to bed, so theoretically, I should be able to do ALOT more today when I'm fully awake and smiling.
Oh yes. Today's a very pretty day. Haha. The sky's kinda covered with these white puffy clouds but you can still see the niiiccceee shade of blue behind. Like it's muted or somethinngg. And there's a gentle breeze blowing through the window, and it's making the trees outside sway a little bit. Ohhh. And I wonder where Socks is. She was sleeping in Kor's garden last night and when I was just about to get home, she woke up and stretched and pawed at my feet. She's damn cute. But I wish she wouldn't stare so hungrily at Qualle and Saph whenever she comes over for a visit. I feel so uneasy for them.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:30 AM
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
OMG OMG!!! I'm damn damn annoyed at blogspot again.I typed in this super long post. And it's gone gone GONE! Arrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Bleeeeaaahhhhh. And whatever other annoyed sound you can possibly make.
FAR too irritated to re-type what I said just now. Forget it maaaann.
But anyhow. For the benefit of my dear blur Khin. The tag-board's still there! I wouldn't take it away since it's the only convenient way we have of keeping in touch. :) It's in the column to the left.. Youuu just have to scroll down to the end.
Every computer should have an infrared port. I'm using Kor's now, and I wish we had one too. It's damn useful okayyy. Oh, I basically had lunch with Tri today nd had a nice catching up conversation over hawaiian pizza and garlic bread. Gosh, I feel damn fat noww. :/ Just downed a chocolate milkshake that Kor made (it was really gooooooodd, btw), with yummy chocolate chips floating around inside and I feel quite quite sinful.
Watching Kor play some MetalGear-like game on his Xbox makes me wanna play ff on my ps2 like now. Grrrr.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
10:49 PM
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
When I change my layout, I'll get sick of it quickly and want to change it again. So I go blogskin-hopping (now that I'm lazy and can't really be bothered to do my own) for a nice skin. And I find one! Then. I have a ton of trouble re-working the html for my own use. So I land up with a screwy template with the top cut off.
Abit like this, actually.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
10:48 PM
Finally got down to completing my e4 essay last night! Not that I really had much of a choice in the first place, 'cause it was due today anyway. Haha. Butbut. I still like the feeling you get when you just finish your homework! I feel gooooooodd.
Geog lect today at 9am. I was fine with classes at 9am at first. But the terribleterrible squashy bus-ride at 8am isn't worth it. I'd rather we have the lesson earlier at say, 8am? Then I could follow dad down in the morning, and I wouldn't have to jostle my way up an overflowing bus 74. Actually. I think I'll get a lift from dad tomorrow morning anyways. And do some work in school before the lect starts.
I'm starting to get tired of blogging. I think it's 'cause I just went through this period of addictive blogging, where I'd HAVE to blog every single day. And after stopping for like, 4 days after that, I suddenly feel like there isn't anything to say anyyyymore. What made me feel like typing in this relatively short post today was my sudden desire to change the template again. Yeahhh.
Ohh. And happy birthday to Michwong!! :) Today wouldn't have been a great start to a birthday, with geog lect in the morning to kick start the day, but I hope the rest of the day was betterrr!
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:47 PM
Friday, September 03, 2004
Got quite annoyed at something today. Ohh, I guess I was more disappointed than anything else. But anyways. I'm at home now waiting for the water supply to come back on (silly condo management people cut off our water supply 'cause the pub people are replacing the water meters in the estate). I wanted to wash my cup to pour myself some orange juice. Walked right over to the kitchen sink and put my cup under the faucet. Turned the tap. And nothing came out. Then I remembered those notices they'd stuck all over the estate noticeboards and I decided that the day was only becoming worse.
Oh, but Khin messaged me twice today and made me smile abit! :) Thanks woman! In case you don't bother checking the tag-board, I said that I'll reply your messages via that thing... 'Cause it's the quickest way to do it. Haha. I'm hungry. Gonna take a slow stroll to the pool and grab my lunch like, now. Pan-fried fish with coleslaw and fries is really yummy. :)
I'm really getting quite significantly stumped these days by the stupidest things. And 'cause I know they're stupid, I feel even worse. This year has been pretty bad. Made a lot of wrong decisions earlier on, and... I'm only just finding out how infuraitingly dumb I've been. I just may run for Arts Council or something, but I'm losing confidence in my ability to lead. I think I've just been through tootoo many setbacks this year and my self-confidence level is at an all time low. All the stuff I did last year seems like it all happened a lifetime ago. It's as if in all those GMs where I've had to dish out instructions to 40-plus prefects, it wasn't me standing there and talking but someone else. Someone level-headed and rational, someone who didn't do the stupidest things over and over again. It's almost as if... I'm not me anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I am. Long sigh.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
2:55 PM
Thursday, September 02, 2004
It's gp again. I'm in the com lab. Again. School's becoming a boring routine again even as exam stress's beginning to seep into everyone in class like a poisonous fume working it's deadly intoxicating magic. What was supposed to be a quick 1hour cat-nap yesterday afternoon eventually stretched itself out into a 2hour thing. That was after I'd gone swimming with Carol yesterday before lunch. Swam 20 laps and felt quite good about myself after that, having thought that I'd gotten some good exercise for the day. Thought I could get some work done in the night, since I'd done absolutely zerowork in the day. But noooooo. No work done.
September holidays next week. Cannot wait for exams to be over maannn. Unfortch, I still have to haul myself back to school next week on Monday and Tuesday at the very least. Shit man.
I'm becoming more and more irritable these days. The slightest thing just sets me off. Then I get all annoyed with myself and... Oh-well. Sighhhh. I don't know what I'm doing these days anymore. I know, I keep saying the same thing over and over again in different ways almost every day. Which is crazy, 'cause I'm sure there's gotta be more meaning in my life than the pathetic day-to-day existence nowww.
Ohh. Math lect now. I don't know why I still gotta go for math lessons when I've already dropped it. Apparently, I've gotta wait till it's been approved. And I've got dc today. What a stupid day it's turning out to be. And it's only half over. Helppp.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
11:38 AM
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