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Monday, January 31, 2005
Swimming pe today was quite a lot of gooood fun! Haha! Played water polo and I actually made myself useful during the game okay. I scored twice thanks to my wonderful pal Dree (I must acknowledge her help or she'll say I'm a fraud). Stayed back to do food run with Dree and I must say I haven't had the chance to reeeaally irritate her like I used to last year 'til today! Hoho!
School today literally passed by in a blur 'cause I didn't wear my contacts. It's funny but I feel kind of different after the weekend. Less heavy-hearted and depressed now.. which is GOOOOD!! They say that happy hormones make you look more attractive, so I SHOULD try to refrain from becoming upset as that'll take my happy hormones away. I finished my e4 essay at 1am last night but I felt pretty accomplished after that! :) The more I looked at the words I'd written, the happier I felt. Don't really know why either. Now the smallest little things that happen make me happy. Must be due to the good mood that I'm in since I've met my deadlines and set some things in my life as straight as they'll ever ever be. Or maybe I could do more, but I'm too tired right now to do any more than I've done.
To adhere to my new resolution to do my work on time so that it won't pile up, I shall try to start on my physical geog tutorial which is due on Thursday. So if I do one tutorial today, and another tomorrow, then I can study for econs on Wednesday. Haha I'm getting organised!
I didn't see you today much and everything's still the same but I want to tell you that I was never angry with you (for long) though I have to admit I was furious the first few days. But after that initial period, the anger had left me and all that filled me was sadness. You're pretty much happy now and I'm glad that you are. And if you ever wanna look me up (I do want you to look me up), you know what to do don't you? If I could, I'd turn back time and go back to before everything started and stop myself from being impulsive. But as it is I cannot and so I'll have to live with the haunting memory of you. Though I wish that I could have done more, still I wanna THANK YOU for letting me try to explain - though I think I didn't explain very well. I'll always miss. you.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:00 PM
Saturday, January 29, 2005
I loveeee you Trina my best girlfriend!! I love my days out with you and the conversations we have and the shopping and eating and even the walking though we all know how I hate to walk. Thankyou thankyou for your wonderful friendship. :))
Met Tri at Orchard after school yesterday and I think yesterday has got to be one of those days that just kinda change your outlook on things. We had a really long extended conversation about manymany things and I felt reeeeeaaaally much better about everything after that. I'd been feeling sad on-and-off for the past few months and I didn't wanna talk about why I didn't feel good. Until yesterday. Had lunch at Cafe Cartel. (I think I'm developing a love affair with the place 'cause honestly, I LOVE THE RIBS THERE) Walked down to Far East to buy socks which were damn cheap btw. I got laughed at at Ice Lemon Tee 'cause I think my Chinese sucked so bad that the salesgirl had to switch to speaking in English to me. Had ice cream at Haagen Daz then went to McCafe at Lido to sit and talk. That's when we had our inspiring conversation!
I like it when it's night. I'm not a morning person and I'm super sleepy in the afternoon and evening but I come to life at night. I get the most work done at night and I feel my eyes are the most open when it's nighttime. I love it when it's nighttime in Orchard too 'cause the streets and shop display windows are all lit up and bright aaaaand it all just feels so right.
Okay so I'm not coherent. But I seriously feel quite at peace with myself now and though life gets on, I'll never forget I think. What is wrong with my blogging today?? Nothing seems to sound quite correct blahhh. I think I just need time to sort out my thoughts and put them in order, then I'll be able to put them down into words that actually make sense 'cause I think nothing in this post makes much sense.
E4 assignment to do today. Yay. I actually like the feeling of listing out all my texts in the beginning of the essay.
*
The scent of Vaseline
In the summertime
The feel of an ice cube
Melting over time
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
When I begin to cry
It's all right, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I believe I'm the same
I get carried away
It's all right, I'm okay
I think God can explain
I'm relieved, I'm relaxed
I'll get over it yet
I Think God Can Explain`Splender
heard
those magic reindeer click @
11:56 AM
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Please, please forgive me
But I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll look up
And barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
And if I bleed, I'll bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there
Isn't something missing?
Missing`Evanescence
*
There's a pain that sleeps inside
It sleeps with just one eye
And awakens the moment you leave
Though I try to look away
The pain, it still remains
Only leaving when you're next to me
Do you know that everytime you're near
Everybody else seems so far away
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear and we can stay
So I stand and look around
Distracted by the sounds
Of everyone and everything I see
And I search through every face
Without a single trace of the person
The person that I need.
Disappear`Hoobastank
*
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
The Reason`Hoobastank
*
Hear me
You gotta be out there
You gotta be somewhere
Wherever you are
I'm waiting
'Cause there are these nights when
I sing myself to sleep
And I'm hoping my dreams'll
Bring you close to me
Are you listening?
Hear me
I'm crying out
I'm ready now
Turn my world upside down
Find me
I'm lost inside the crowd
It's getting loud
I need you to see
I'm screaming for you to please
Hear me.
Hear Me`Kelly Clarkson
heard
those magic reindeer click @
6:27 PM
Busy busy days at school again. Spent yesterday rushing up my e8 essay and I'm reading my gp package like a mad cow now since I've still got 20 plus more pages to sift through by tonight!!! My mood has still been highly unpredictable lately - rather much like a see-saw except that I never know when my light-hearted mood will take a plunge for the worse. N0thing will ever be the same again.
Met Tri at the Hwa Chong bus-stop after school then got a lift home from her grandpa. Bus 74 broke down today!! It's the first time I've experienced a Bus Breakdown while I'm on the bus actually. I think it broke down outside either MG or Nanyang. But anyway. The driver fixed the problem in a jiffy and my experience was over like that pffft haha. Tri and I ended up calling for pizza and garlic bread on the way home and it has got to be the BEST LUNCH I've had in a long time. :) I do not like school food. Seriously. The only thing I like is the chicken rice and the yong tau foo but that's only two dishes and I can't possibly eat that every single day of my week. My prata experience was quite bad but that could be due to the insane heap of sugar I poured onto my one lonesome prata the last time I ate it.
And I do not like school much either. Short days feel long and long days still feel long.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
6:15 PM
Saturday, January 22, 2005
I'm about to lose control
I don't know why
Why you need some reason
To feel lost inside
You, you know that I'm alright
You know that I'm just the kind of girl
That feels so hurt and smiles
I don't use excuses
Don't ask why
It's just a breakdown
It happens all the time
So get out of my face
Don't even try
You wanna help me?
Just let me cry
Yeah I loved you all my life
You don't even know a thing I feel inside
Know, by the look in my eye
That I'm just fine
But I might need you to hold me tight
Just Let Me Cry`Ashlee Simpson
***
Fuzzy images flash through her brain
Even as she sleeps late at night
Outside, the sky weeping - rain
Inside, still 'til the morning light
No rest, no reprieve
Haunting her mind relentlessly
And sitting by the window she derives
The dawn-scape staring back mockingly
Gay bluebirds singing their jeers
The lush foilage luxuriantly menacing
Sunshine casting shadows of fears
Balmy breezes bring nothing but freezing
Dew drops bow dandelion heads
A picture of sadness, grieving
Mewing of the calico kitten in its reds
Calling for help, pleading
Sitting by the windowsill she notes
The mockery of the morning cheer
And in her diary she wrote,
You mock me, then drops a tear
2005
heard
those magic reindeer click @
1:08 PM
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRINA!!!!!!!!
You're finally 18 and the first thing you can do is to buy a bottle of champagne LEGALLY and we can pop it happily together! Haha. :)
Met Tri after school today at Novena to spend her birthday with herrr! The company and talk was greeeeaatt as usual! And so was the food haha. We had Jap food and I stuffed myself with gazillion tonnes of wasabi. Oh yay I'm finally a full-fledged wasabi-eater! I used to hatehatehate it 'cause I hated the feeling of it going up the nose but now I can't seem to eat properly without a good dollop of the Good Green Stuff. Went to Novena Church after that and I had a good think-over while praying. Felt very much more at peace when I left though I still don't know what to do. I'm trusting that things will turn out all right in the end. Walked back to Novena Square and shared an iced vanilla latte at Spinelli's. I like the iced latte there!! Tri suggested that I ask for more milk and less coffee which I did, and the guy poured in like 3-quarters of milk. I was real happy 'cause milk just puts me in a good mood for some reason. Sat and talked and looked at her yearbook while we drank our deeeeelicious coffee. We were commenting on the guys in hc and I'm SORRY to say that there are almost NO cute guys in her year. Heh. What an exciting thought. Decided to get up after realising that we were getting nowhere with our search and walked around for a bit. I oohed and aahhed over the chocolates at the Chocz counter!! They're SO PRETTY! I love chocolates. They look damn damn good to eat. Tri's mom picked us up after all that and I got a lift home.
I finished my homework due for tomorrow!! That's rather good 'cause one of my resolutions are to finish my homework on time this year. So I won't feel stressed when homework starts to pile up on me. Although I haven't yet looked at the 2 lit essays due next week and the week after.
I was writing furiously away in my diary before coming online 'cause I had to think about something and reason with myself. Sometimes, I think it's good just to see your thoughts on paper so you can slowly make sense of all the things that flash through your mind before you can grasp hold of any of it. Like how I was reading through my past year's entries and I realised that I may have been very silly all this while etcetc. I'm gonna go back to writing and keeping my thoughts in order. I'm actually really glad I can write 'cause my writing keeps me in check and gives me time to think as I pour out my thoughts and my feelings onto paper.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:15 PM
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
I'm in a highly confused state of mind right now.
What do you do when what you've believed in all this while isn't really what you've been believing in? Or worse still, what if you're absolutely right?
What do you do when you don't know what to do?
What happens if you're beginning to lose hope.
You wanna do something, anything to save yourself from drowning, yet you don't dare to.
Is that plain stupid or what?
heard
those magic reindeer click @
5:04 PM
Saturday, January 15, 2005
I look like an over-cooked lobster now. I'm bright red from the arms down and my eyes are fast disappearing into my brownish face like they always do when I get burnt. I'm one of those RARE people who look icky in a tan. :(
Spent the entire day at Sentosa, though I didn't actually intend to. I intended to stay out at the beach 'til 6pm then come back home for dinner. I intended to STAY OUT of the water 'cause it's not really quite convenient for me to get wet right now. But what I did was to stay out 'til 10pm complete with dinner at Wilfred's place. PLUS. I did get completely and entirely soaked.
I love the sunset on the beach. I spent about an entire 5minutes looking out at the sea and the sun setting and just thinking and thinking and thinking about my million and one things before jumping into the water and swimming to the other side. Looking at the sun setting as water laps up to my toes is practically hypnotic. I have this dreamy far-away look on my face with spaced out eyes as I just soak in the whole beauty of the scene before me. I think I'm a very reflective person. Some people seem to love going out all the time, spending every single waking minute of their lives with their friends. But I can't do that. I need some quiet time to myself every single day to sit/lie down and think back to the day that's just passed. I reflect on those moments which leave me feeling slightly annoyed with myself, make resolutions to make the next day more enjoyable and savour those wonderful, secretive moments that leave me all warm and happy inside, even if no one would ever understand why I'm so appreciative of such things. And on certain days during the holidays, I realise I'd really really much rather just stay home curled up in bed with a book or lie stretched out on the sofa watching tv.
So yeeeess. After all the excitement of today that has left me feeling quite flushed and warm inside due to the fact that I've thoroughly enjoyed my day with Cheryl and Melissa and the rest of the group. I shall go curl up in bed soon and think about the day that's zipped by me like that and be very thankful for everything that's happened today. :)
heard
those magic reindeer click @
11:10 PM
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Sometimes, I swear I do the dumbest things. Today was pretty much chock-full of oops-I-did-something-stupid-oh-shit moments. I probably have to THINK before I like open my mouth or do anything so I won't end up inadverdently embarrassing myself again. I asked the cashier at Crystal Jade the stupidest question ever.
"Do you mean 10cents as in 10cents or 10cents as in 1 dollar?"
After that came out of my mouth I was like what the hell were you thinking?? The lady burst out laughing and if I could blush, I would have transformed into a beautiful fire-engine red. Seriously okay, that was one embarrassing highlight of my day.
Met Cheryl for dinner just now. Bought the prizes for the zj thing this Saturday before walking down to Scotts to eat. I loveeee xiaolongbao!!! I ate so many of them with vinegar and ginger and I'm addicted I think.
You know, school is starting to get slightly better actually. I don't know why, but maybe it's 'cause I'm not so terrified of mass pe anymore (though why I have that totally warped notion I have NO IDEA), or maybe it's 'cause I've dropped math and can actually sleep in-between periods. Which was what I spent my free period on today. Slept in the voiddeck listening to music.
Cramps yesterday = weight loss = bad.
I've lost a further 2kg due to my total inability to eat/drink/consume ANYTHING yesterday without actually throwing everything up. Which is considerably icky if you think about it. And though I've always wanted to lose more weight, this wasn't exactly how I'd planned to do it. I was thinking more along the lines of conventional means like controlling my diet and exercising actually.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
8:07 PM
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place.
--Avril Lavigne
******
I quote from someone's blog:
"Love and hate are same things. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Truly, I think that that might be the worst thing you could ever do to someone you once loved, or worse: to someone who once loved you."
But you know what? It's grammatically wrong. To me.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
9:23 PM
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Bloody annoying school has started again bleah. Actually it isn't all that bad, or hasn't been too bad so far anyway. 'Cause my timetable's been revamped and I get to go home early on Tuesdays AND Wednesdays AND Fridays and I'm mighty pleased. New form teacher and new classroom. New classroom's severely life-threatening and presents potential embarrassments. The steps are like totally steep and I was thinking that if I do happen to miss a step and roll down, that'd be the end of me.
And mass pe's just totally ridiculous. The track's being repaired or something to that effect hence we can't run on it. Like duh right. SO. The teachers are making us run around the outside compound of the school and do our crunches pushups whatever on the smiley on the freaking hill!!!!!!!! God, I'm like so gonna wilt and die tomorrow.
I'm probably pmsing like crazy now though I was in a perfectly happy mood this afternoon when I left. Saw something on the way home that set me thinking and I'm in this awful gloomy state now which seems to match the grey of the sky which makes it look dangerously close to pouring. I wish I didn't have to go back to school 'cause the happy carefree days of the December holidays have already been almost completely replaced by my agitation at all things pertaining to unpleasant memories that haunt me and float into my mind at the most unexpected times. GRRR.
I wish I could talk to somebody, I mean really really just talk. But when I think about it, I realise that I wouldn't be able to collect all the bits of my thought and talk about it anyway. I wish I could just stop going to school so I won't be so periodically upset anymore. I wish I could just disappear from the face of this earth or more realistically, just disappear to another country for good. And I wish, I just wish for myself to be at peace with myself.
Plus the blister on the heel on my foot's totally killing me. I can so see myself wincing in utmost and extreme pain as I trudge through mass pe. Unless some miracle happens and my blister ceases to exist or becomes totally over-sized and fully horrific enough to excuse me from pe. Medium-sized blisters are the pits I tell you. They do nothing to get you out of pe and only hurt like heck for the longest time ever.
heard
those magic reindeer click @
4:46 PM
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